Articles Posted in Divorce Trends and Developments

The cost of a divorce can be a deterrent to the process for many couples who are already struggling with the expense of maintaining two separate households. The amount of property one owns, child custody and support issues, and the extent to which a couple agrees or disagrees will determine attorney and other professional service fees (like custody evaluators) incurred during a divorce. Whether there is a large or small amount of property, issues with the children or not, or little to no agreement, there are things that you can do to reduce the cost of a divorce.

First off, take care when choosing your divorce attorney. The right attorney for your case is not always the most expensive attorney. Experience, unique technical skills, and positive relationships with the courts make for good lawyers. There are several things you should consider when choosing a lawyer and managing your case:

Attorneys’ fees are based on their experience, expertise, and special skills, but some very experienced lawyers charge reasonable fees, while others charge exorbitant fees. The hourly rates of lawyers should be competitive with their locale and market, but not excessive. A high hourly rate is not an indicator of special experience or skill.

Family therapist Diane Shearer says we should look beyond the questions about divorce and get at what kids are really asking for. “When kids ask tough questions, they aren’t looking for complicated answers. They are looking for affirmation, not information.” This means they want to be assured that you love them no matter what. They want to know that you recognize their turbulent feelings. Here are some tips on three of the most common questions.

1. Why? From “why did you stop loving each other” to “why are you doing this,” kids want to know the big-picture reason behind your split. Shearer says the fear behind this question is that if mom and dad can stop loving each other, they might stop loving their kids, too. So you’ll need to assure your child that love between parents is very different from a parent’s love for their child. Your love for them is permanent and will never change. In most cases, it’s not appropriate to get into the details of why you’re divorcing. Instead, reassure your child that you are still a family, just a different kind of family.

2. Is this my fault? Young children, especially, are self-centered, so they can’t help wondering if they are somehow at fault for your split. Again, the most important thing here is to assure your child that your love for them is unconditional. They need to know their parents’ complicated relationship has nothing to do with them — they are NOT the cause of the divorce. They will always be loved. That will never change.

byline: Dr. Jeff Gardere:

Divorce can be one of the most stressful events in life, second only to a spouse dying. In fact, a divorce can become such a complicated and nasty affair that many people have joked that a spouse dying is a less stressful event because at least you don’t have to fight the deceased in court!

The point to be made here is that during this time of stress and duress we are no longer thinking with our brains, but instead with our hearts. Normally a pure heart will win the day, but a heart which is ruled by the pain, sadness and anger of a divorce will exhibit pure emotion — often in an illogical and dangerous fashion.

Sydney Morehouse, 13, of Omaha cries in Lincoln, Neb., Wednesday, Feb. 6, 2013, as she tells the Associated Press how hard it is to only get to see her father every other weekend and Wednesday nights following her parent’s divorce.

Omaha resident Gary Owens pounded the table and raised his voice Wednesday as he testified before Nebraska lawmakers, demanding they pass two bills that could allow him to spend more time with his son.

A coalition of fathers, doctors and family-law attorneys is asking lawmakers to change a Nebraska parental custody law that they view as unfair to men.

Henry Gornbein, a family lawyer in Michigan, wrote a recent article about the trauma of divorce for the Huffington Post. Gornbein discusses appropriately the ramifications of the threat of divorce and the actual divorce process. In reflecting on his article, I am brought back to the idea that divorce is appropriate and necessary in many cases, though all efforts should be made to save marriages that have a proper basis for being preserved. In the event that the marriage has broken down, the parties are no longer compatible, or there is mental illness affecting the health and safety of the spouse and children, or domestic violence, divorce can be a healthy intervention. The key to a healthy divorce in many cases is the Cooperative Divorce or a divorce that avoids the high conflict of ‘out of control divorce,’ and focuses on the emotional and financial wellbeing of the parties and the children.

“A divorce can be many things. It is a legal proceeding to end a marriage. Divorce laws differ from state to state regarding the requirements and reasons or grounds for a divorce. The mechanisms and procedures for obtaining a divorce differ from state to state as well. In every state there is a legal requirement that a divorce proceeding be filed to end the legal marriage between a couple.

A divorce is a weapon. It can be a legal weapon. It can also be a verbal weapon which too frequently is used by an unhappy spouse who will hurl a threat: “If you do not do this, I will divorce you.” This often is a means of control. It is also dirty fighting. Sometimes this threat of a divorce is a means of keeping someone in a marriage. To me, it is a statement that the marriage is in trouble and could perhaps end in a divorce unless the parties go into counseling.

For another consecutive year, Law Offices of Michael F. Roe, PC’s Illinois Divorce Law Blog has been named one of the Top 50 Divorce Blogs in the country.

Mindy Smith wrote an interesting article in the Huffington Post last year on the “Ten Signs Your Marriage is Headed for Divorce.” I may not agree completely with her Top 10 List, but I include it for interesting reading. She listed the following:

RED FLAG #10: If your spouse is facebooking with his or her high school sweetheart on a daily basis, you may be heading for a divorce.

RED FLAG #9: If you spouse has gained more than 20% of his or her body weight, you may be headed for divorce.

The American Bar Association’s Section of Family Law adopted standards of civility for Family (Divorce and Custody) Attorneys. The ABA recognized that civility is important in family law practice. As a litigant and client, why should lawyer civility be important to you?

In my divorce and custody practice, there is a time for negotiation, and there is a time for aggressive representation of my client’s interests. Aggressive representation, however, does not suggest inflammatory or reckless litigation. In my 25 years of litigation experience, as a prosecutor and trial lawyer, the most successful approach to litigation is aggressive, focused civility. Lawyers that treat their clients with respect and care, who treat opposing lawyers with a measure of civility, and who show respect for the Court, get the best results.

Why, as a trial lawyer, act with civility? It saves you, the client, time and money, lowers the stress of the case, and gets the best results. If you hire an angry, reckless, “bulldog” lawyer for your case, you’ll spend more, have more anguish and stress, and your results will likely be far lower. Judges typically don’t respect the generalist “bulldog” lawyers.

Excerpted from the Huffington Post from an Article by HP writer Nancy Fagan (The Divorce Reporter) on attachments that continue after divorce. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/nancy-fagan/cut-the-marital-cord-alre_b_1018650.html

Michael Roe’s comments immediately below:

Nancy, a very interestin­g and legally sound article. Illinois has been a part of a trend toward requiring judges to do all that they can to terminate the connection­s with former spouses, once they are divorced. However, as there is also an expressed trend toward joint and shared parenting and permanent maintenanc­e (also known as alimony), in reality, the cord does not get completely severed in divorce. In Illinois, divorced parties of long term marriages are bound to each other through their duty to co-parent and through years of maintenanc­e and support payments.

Divorce is a very difficult life transition. Divorce is known to be one the highest stress events of a person’s life, especially when the divorce was unexpected or involves dramatic changes to the children in the marriage.

My job as a divorce and custody attorney is to help my clients navigate the divorce process as successfully as possible. Divorce is a difficult process, but it should not be a “war.” Wars, as we all know, end with casualties on both sides, cost a lot of money, and leave wounds that do not heal.

What basic advice can I give to help divorcing parties manage the stresses of divorce?