Articles Posted in BPD and Divorce

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Surviving a marriage with a spouse who has narcissistic personality traits can be incredibly challenging. Many of my cases through the years have involved the opposing spouse with traits of NPD, or BPD, or traits of comorbidity of both. Here are some strategies to help navigate this difficult situation:

1. Educate Yourself

  • Understanding Narcissism: Learn about narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) to understand the behaviors and traits associated with it.
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The Borderline Personality Disordered Parent: A Challenge for Courts, Professionals, the Target Parent, and the Child

Mary Alvarez, PhD, Psychologist

WHY WOULD A PARENT weaponize a child in order to hurt or destroy the other parent’s relationship with that child? Which also leaves the child with significant negative psychological effects? There are several different psychological “culprits” that can help explain a parent’s extreme behavior (engaging in parental alienation) and borderline personality disorder is one such high conflict personality disorder that is not an uncommon diagnosis for the alienating parent. Not understanding nor including some sort of plan to deal with a borderline parent in the mix can have unintended consequences to the success of both judiciary orders and treatment plans. What is borderline personality disorder? It is a disorder in which the individual:

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As a long-term member of the Parental Alienation Study Group, I am pleased to see that there is going to be an excellent seminar this summer on new developments in the field. See the recent post from Dr. Harman. Dr. Harman is an accomplished and awarded scientist and teacher, and has published many peer-reviewed articles and book chapters, and has presented her research regularly at scientific conferences around the world. Dr. Harman’s areas of research expertise focus on the topic of power in relationships: power in how intimate partners influence each other for good or bad. As an applied social psychologist, her work has applied social psychological theories on intimate relationships to the study of public health problems ranging from STI prevention to domestic violence. For nearly the last decade, her primary focus has been on the study of parental alienation.

Aside from her professional publications, Dr. Harman also writes articles for general audiences, such as The Conversation, and her work is republished on thousands of other news sites (e.g., Associated Press, Raw Story). Her 2016 TEDx talk on parental alienation, has had thousands of views.

Dr. Harman regularly conducts trainings for legal and mental health professionals on parental alienation, and has served as an expert witness and consultant on civil and criminal cases involving parental alienation and other forms of family violence.

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People with personality disorders often seem to have variable personalities.  They might be quite charming and reasonable at work and with neighbors and friends, but then transition to chaotic, extreme behaviors at home.  Personality disorders usually begin in childhood or adolescence, and while those around people with personality disorders wish they would change, it doesn’t happen without: 1) recognition, 2) a strong commitment by the person with the traits of the disorder, and, in most cases, 3) years of therapy.

THE DSM-5 CRITERIA FOR BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER INCLUDE SOME OF THE FOLLOWING CHARACTERISTICS:

  • Compromised ability to recognize the feelings and needs of others
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My Illinois Divorce Blog focuses on a variety of subjects, including the means by which to manage divorce and child custody with a toxic narcissist. I can say that almost every day, I receive a message that sounds like this that came today:

Message: I’m separated from a narcissist and he is constantly violating orders and trying to alienate my child from me. Now they are forcing me to go to court to face him in 2 days and I’m terrified. It will only make it worse. I need help. No one understands but I read your blog and you may be the only lawyer that understands.
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From Page:
https://www.illinoisdivorcelawyerblog.com/amp/illinois-divorce-empaths-marriages-narcissists/

 

This message is from someone being harmed by both the toxic narcissist in her life, and well as possibly by her local court system ( I get many calls each month from people outside of Illinois that need help, and I try answer most all of these calls with some help, resources like Bill Eddy’s Splitting book, and a lawyer referral if needed).  For over 25 years, my practice has focused, in large part,  on psychological issues in divorce, and issues that affect the wellbeing of the children of marriages involving personality disorders.

 

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With my work as a lawyer on complex child custody cases, I have seen in many of these cases the phenomenon of “projection.” My work as a member of APA and a frequent researcher and contributor on issues concerning personality disorders in child custody and with Parental Alienation cases, brings my clients often into situations where they are being accused of behaviors that are actually resident in the disordered parent.

Psychological projection is a defense mechanism in which the human psychology defends itself against unconscious impulses or qualities by denying their existence in themselves while attributing them to others. These traits can be seen with some people with personality disorders, such as NPD or BPD. For example, a person who is habitually angry may constantly accuse other people, often their intimate partners or spouses, of being angry. In some cases, the abusive spouse will actually seek out domestic violence support, falsely claiming that they have been abused.

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Dr. Michael Bone, a clinician and consultant on PA cases comments this way:

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Many years ago, I helped a bit with Bill Eddy’s first book, a landmark publication called Splitting that discussed and defined for the first time what it can be like to go through a divorce with a High Conflict Personality, such as a person with BPD or NPD traits.  Here is a video from one of Bill’s series, discussing the analogy between splitting in politics, and the splitting that can occur in divorce.

Splittign behaviors can lead to conflict distortions, false allegations, and parental alienation, in a divorce and child custody case. It is always good to understand these phenomena, and to appreciate ways to manage them successfully in a divorce case.

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“Could you become a high-conflict person’s (HCP’s) Target of Blame? If you’re not watchful and careful, yes. HCPs generally pick on people they are close to or people in authority positions. These close personal or supervisory relationships usually involve the types of people we’re inclined to invite into our lives, often without knowing much about them.

Avoiding and deflecting high-conflict behavior is like avoiding illness. You can protect yourself from becoming someone’s Target of Blame by vaccinating yourself with knowledge of the personality patterns of high-conflict people. I call this personality awareness.

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In fact, with personality awareness you will be more confident in dealing with people, because you will know how to recognize the warning signs of dangerous personality patterns before they do you much harm.”

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” Is your partner emotionally explosive, regularly picking fights, and blaming others for all their troubles? Bill Eddy sheds light on how to manage conflict and communication with a high conflict person.”

https://www.modernseparations.com/podcast/04 

Christina: What type of preparation do you recommend?

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