ILLINOIS DIVORCE LAW BLOG

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One of the most difficult things to understand in life is how someone who professes to love you can then go on to abuse you.  Many people feel traumatized and confused after a relationship with an abusive Narcissistic partner ends. They wonder: “We were so in love, yet he went from telling me that I was the love of his life to treating me like garbage. He cheated on me.  He devalued me.  He embarrassed me in front of our friends.  How can I trust anyone again, if I so badly misjudged this person?”

If you have ever been abused by a Narcissistic mate or lover and now are out of the relationship, you may be wondering how you could have made such a big mistake—and how you can avoid doing it again in the future.

The good news is that most people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder are very predictable.  They tend to follow the same relationship pattern over and over again.  And, unlike common perceptions about Narcissists, most are not very devious.  Narcissists are continually signaling that they are Narcissists.  You can learn to recognize the early signs that the new love of your life is a Narcissist by paying close attention to how they behave towards you in each stage of the relationship. Then it is up to you to decide if you want to continue the relationship. Here are some of the basics that you need to know:

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My law practice has been distinguished over the years by being a prominent advocate for parents and children, especially when there are complex and difficult clinical issues involved in child custody matters. Having been a member of the American Psychological Association for over 15 years and following the seminars and literature on clinical issues in divorce and custody practice, I have tried to make a difference in this area of law and practice.

Yet, having been in my law school’s joint JD/MBA program, and being a student of accounting and finance, along with membership in divorce financial planning associations, I take a keen interest in the financial and valuation side of divorce practice as well. Occasionally, there are some big wins: the recent case of  In re Marriage of Liszka, 2016 IL App (3d) 150238 – Illinois Courts

is a case that I tried (over many weeks of trial)  that resulted in a very positive appellate decision for my client, along with having the law in Illinois on retained earnings in divorce clarified.  Said the appellate court:

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In my practice, I have had the pleasure of representing many, many good and caring people. Many of these good people end up being entrapped into a relationship with a narcissist. This is part of the paradox: why do so many good and caring people end up in marriages with such selfish, and often abusive, partners? Psychology author Peg Streep writes compelling articles for journals like Psychology Today. She has some rare insights into the narcissist and how such good and smar tpeople get fooled and trapped into these toxic marriages.

6 Reasons It’s Easy to Be Fooled by a Narcissist

by Peg Streep

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Here’s a post from a perusal off of social media and high conflict divorce. This exchange may resonate with a lot of people:

I need help. I have been married for 13 years. We have two wonderful sons. My husband had an affair that ended about 5 years ago. The affair hurt but…he also emotionally and physically did things to me during his affair and that hurt even more. After it ended, he did apologize to me. But, he almost never showed me love or attention. And he had lied about so many different things to me.

I have been diagnosed with anxiety and depression. I am currently trying to get help for that. And I just started to take Lexapro for my anxiety and depression. 

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From Kristina Kuzmic: ” Some stories I share with you feel more personal than others. Some stories I’m really protective of because of the impact they’ve had on my life, and in turn, on the lives of my children. This is one of those stories.
Ever since I opened up about the struggles I went through years ago, after my divorce, the question I get asked the most is: What was your turning point? Here is my answer… ”

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From time to time, interesting questions are posted on some forums that discuss divorce, and especially divorce when dealing with soon-to-be ex spouses, and ex-spouses, that are poor parents, or a persons with pathologies like narcissism. Here is one recent question posed by a parent, with some suggestions:

 3am my 4 year old woke up and had terrible croup. Couldn’t breathe and was hysterical. Of course STB ex sleeps until I started talking loudly enough…we ended up at the ER. He is fine but I can’t conceptualize ever leaving my son overnight in my STB ex’s care overnight. He is clueless and a total sociopath narcissist. How do you wrap your brain around the notion of leaving your little ones when the other parent is not competent?

When a healthy spouse is in a marriage with a narcissist, for example, or even just an incompetent or selfish parent, the healthy parent ends up doing 99.9 percent of the caregiving, including monitoring and medicating the children when they are ill. However, once the separation of the spouses is complete, the caregiver spouse is no longer present to be the caregiver and decision maker, the buffer for conflict, and the guarantor that the kids are well cared for when they are ill.

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Today is Mother’s Day, and aside from wishing all of our Moms a wonderful day, I wanted to point out as well that parental alienation exists with mothers as targets. More often than one might think.

Today, a Mom posted this:

” And please don’t ever give up……There were three of us moms in Nashville, Boston and New York who became fast friends online because we were alienated from our children. It took between 2 and 5 years respectively but all 3 of us are reunited with with our children. Take care of yourself, live a full life and, like us, your children may come to see through the lies the alienator told them to find their way back to you. Sending you love, hugs, and prayers.”

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Representing many clients through the past 20+ years in relationships with people with borderline traits, it is helpful to see new artciles that discuss the experiences of people in these relationships. Here, a discussion about the triggering on anger in borderlines, many times without an apparent reason.

I’d say from the two people I know with it that things can be going really well and you can forget sometimes that they have the disorder, but then the littlest things can set it off, which just makes the episodes all the more jarring and violently abrupt.

There are several different subtypes of BPD, but my closest experiences have been with the ‘Petulant Borderline,’ sometimes called the ‘angry’ subtype.

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One of the priviledges that I have as a lawyer for some wonderful people going through a significant life change is the ability to interface with them about anxiety and depression. In some cases, the symptoms are being experienced by the children of divorce. In other cases my own clients are struggling with situational depression, or a resurrection of symmptoms while undergoing stressful events. One of the most important features of this discussion is that these symptoms are normal, and universal. As a society, we don’t discuss depression and anxiety well, or openly, but the time has arrived to have these discussions. It is good to see such prominent people taking public their own expereinces with mental health issues.

https://www.facebook.com/MicMedia/videos/1477482465607872/

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