Illinois Divorce Lawyer Blog

How to Recover from an Affair Involving Borderline Personality Disorder

By Tommy (http://youmebpd.com/)

The feeling of pain and betrayal that an affair causes is something I would wish on almost no one, but when you add in the addition of borderline personality disorder it throws in a whole new set of variables. Our particular story is one that has a lot of mitigating circumstances, but that makes it no less painful to go through. In June of 2011 I lost my wife (at least that is what it felt like). June, 2011; I checked my wife into Prairie St. John’s facility in Fargo, ND for depression and manic behavior. She went into the facility a loving wife, devoted mother and successful business owner. She spent the first night there crying asking to be sent home to her family. She was met with doctors telling her that if she did not stop crying, asking to go home and start taking all the medicine they had for her that they would hold her indefinitely.

Over the next few days I watched, well more heard over the phone, my wife slip away. If you have ever taken anti-psychotic or anti-anxiety medications you know they start to affect you immediately. Add ungodly high doses , the addition of borderline personality disorder and irresponsible doctors giving horrible advice and you have a recipe for disaster. Long story short, 6 days after they admitted my loving wife and devoted mother; Prairie St. John’s released a heavily medicated, highly manic person that no one recognized. The doctors at the facility had told her she had too much stress at home and she should take a break, so she did and wound up having an affair with an individual she met in Prairie St. Johns. I did not see my wife for days after they released her to her own accord, after she had removed me from her contact list at the facility, so I could not even get updates on her.

For the next few months I battled supposed counselors, her behavior and her new group of “friends” she met at the facility. I had her old friend and my kids asking me, how Prairie St. John’s helped her and why they were allowed to operate in that way, why it was ok for them to destroy families. My only answer was, “I don’t know”. After a few months it all came to a head and I had enough, I reached my boundary and I filed for divorce. The facility, medication and new friends won, the wife I knew and spent 13 years with was gone lost to over medication and irresponsible doctors.

At this point your probably asking holy crap, where is the recovery? I will be the first to admit, this was not easy to go through. I went through massive depression and I still deal with some situational depression. The recovery came two fold. First my wife took herself off of the medications and stopped going to the facility, after the medications were out of her system came the realization of what she had done. What the mix of incorrect medications and BPD had destroyed. Now under normal circumstances this would be difficult, but when you add BPD into it, the shame and guilt is huge. I made a decision that I would take my wife back and try to work with her to rebuild our family. At the same time I had to identify and put very specific personal boundaries in place for myself and set clear expectations of what I need to happen in order to move forward with the relationship.

I am proud to say that we have made it through the first year and are on the road to recovery. It has been difficult and taken a lot of work on both sides. From her side she has had to work on things like Dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) to identify Borderline behaviors and triggers. She has had to work through not just the guilt and shame that she carried before the affair, but now the addition of more guilt and shame stemming from the affair and her behaviors. This is difficult and I have had to be supportive, even at times when it hurts, because the bigger picture is worth it. From my part, I have had to accept that the behaviors I witnessed were not the behaviors of my wife, but behaviors that were brought on by a facility not only over medicating, but over medicating the wrong medications for her condition. This is so difficult, because logically I know what they did, I saw it first hand, I heard the counselors tell her she had too much stress at home with kids and a business. I saw the ugly face of Borderline Personality Disorder, the protective lies, the raging, the impulse behavior brought on by medication. At the same time, emotionally I know what happened, I witnessed that first had, I received messages from the other man, I saw the coming and going. So I have logical vs. emotional and it is not easy.

I have been told many times even by other “nons” that they would not stay after an affair, and I cannot tell each person where to draw their boundary. I can also honestly say that if my wife had purposefully had an affair while in her right mind (or been a chronic repeater) I don’t think we would be back together, but the facts remain that I saw firsthand what Prairie St. John’s did to her. That being said, does not take away the pain and hurt. It has not removed the lies or other behaviors that took place. What it does do is allow for a platform of recovery. We, as “nons”, have to have an understanding of why someone with borderline personality disorder displays certain behaviors. One of the hardest to work through, especially after an affair is the lying. This behavior is discussed in an article titled BPD and Lying – again…

The motivations for telling a lie (or omitting truth) by someone with BPD are as follows:

1. When it is more painful to admit or tell the truth.
2. When she wants the other person to think “better” of her than she thinks of herself.
3. To avoid the judgment of the other person or judgment of herself.
4. When she can’t see the “truth” because of emotional reasoning brought on by the refractory period of the emotion felt. In other words, when feelings = facts.

Recovery begins with both people accepting (does not mean liking or approving with) what happened and why. Things like Radical Acceptance can make a huge difference. It also means working together to identify trigger points that might start an argument on each side. It is not going to be easy, and you have to recognize upfront that this is going to be emotionally painful experience. However, walking away from a marriage is an emotionally painful experience as well. The key is that both sides need to work together. Both people have to be willing to be supportive of the other person, even when things get painful. That being said, as a “non” you still need to recognize the limitations of your partner and their BPD. I am not perfect at this, and we still have some pretty heated arguments. I try to not throw things at her that are shameful; but I am human after all, have feelings, and sometimes those feelings are painful.

If you are in the midst of an affair or have gone through this experience I can only give my sympathies, but I encourage you to look past the initial rage and hurt to ask yourself if there are any mitigating circumstances and what is more painful for you to go through. If mental illness plays a role, you need to make sure you set your boundaries to protect yourself, while allowing healing and recovery to happen.

http://www.pdan.org

Experienced divorce practitioners have come to develop ideas about certain issues or triggers that can cause the contested divorce process to spiral into chaos or high costs. I have my own ideas about these triggers, one of them involving the parties believing that more negative conflict and more "bomb throwing" leads to better results. "Pit bull" reckless behavior by litigants or lawyers only raises costs, elevates stress, and usually results in the judge developing a chip on her shoulder against the litigant. The art of divorce is much like the Art of War...employing experience, creativity, and sophisticated strategy is the pathway to good results. That's my opinion, and now let's hear from another lawyer's perspective:

By Diana Mercer

" When I have friends who are getting divorced, and they ask me for advice, here's what I tell them. The real deal, the confidential, back-channel skinny. Beyond legal advice, which they can get anywhere.

These are my top tips for staying out of trouble:

Ignore Legal Smack Talk from Your Spouse: I love that spouses try and give each other legal advice. Really? Since when did your spouse go to law school and become a divorce lawyer? And you're listening? Heck, even if they're dishing out good advice, it pays to double check.

Question "My Friend Said": If your spouse talks about friends' divorces or what the lawyer plans on doing to you legally, ask:

• How many years did that friend's divorce take?
• How much did it cost?
• How much did your lawyer say that taking me to the cleaners would cost in legal fees?
• Is your lawyer willing to put it in writing that they guaranteed that their result will be better than what I'm prepared to offer voluntarily?

You're safe with that last one---no lawyer would guarantee anything or put fees in writing so this will force your spouse to have an honest discussion with the lawyer about the pros and cons of pursuing any given action.

Watch Out For Non-Monetary Games: Keep an eye out for your spouse manipulating the kids. Make sure your bond with them remains strong. Don't bad-mouth your spouse---your kids will figure that out later and hate you, so keep the long term in mind.

Your spouse may think he or she is plotting and being strategic like some sort of Divorce 007. But at the end of the day, it's a business deal and a parenting plan. It is what it is. So don't let your imagination run away with you.

You can keep costs (and suspicion, and plotting) down by:

1. Being organized. Make a notebook with labeled dividers with all of the financial records (recent ones, at least) and tax returns (as many as you have copies of), a comparative market analysis (free from any realtor) of the value of your house, your most recent pay stub...and ideally you'll make your spouse a notebook, too.

I know that might sound crazy (making your adversary a notebook) but your spouse's attorney will charge for making a notebook and getting the records together (which could run up the bill by several thousand dollars) so if you can take the wind out of those sails from the get go (your spouse is entitled to all that info pursuant to law anyway) and all of the mystery out of your financial situation, you're ahead of the game.

Don't get paralyzed by your emotions. It's easy to sit down with a hole punch and a notebook and put stuff in by date. You don't need all your faculties to do that, so it's a good activity for when you're feeling lost.

2. Staying Sane. Make appointments with your therapist, make time for your kids (and don't talk about your spouse), play golf or ride bikes (ideally with your kids), make time with friends. Take care of yourself. Eat right and work out.

3. Don't taking the bait: Your spouse will say stuff to you just to get you riled up. Ignore it. "Obviously, this is a hot topic for both of us, so I'm not going to respond at this point. I do hope we can work all of this out, though, at some point." Then change the subject. Say that as many times as you have to.

Eventually, your spouse will get bored when it's clear you aren't going to fight back. This will freak your spouse out a little, particularly at first, so feel free to chuckle. When you start to behave differently than you have over the last eleventy-million years they're going to wonder what's up and watching that might be a little amusing as the old tricks don't work on you anymore.

4. Find that Special Someone--Quietly: If you decide you want to date, don't let anyone find out about it. Not under any circumstances. Your spouse will go bananas if you're with someone else, so avoid that at all costs. It doesn't matter if it's your spouse who suggested the divorce or found a new lover first. They still go nuts when they see you've moved on, too. I'm not saying don't do it. I'm saying don't let anyone find out. "

Diana Mercer is the co-author of Making Divorce Work: 8 Essential Keys to Resolving Conflict and Rebuilding Your Life

No parent wants to imagine a day when your child would refuse to speak to you. But estrangements between parents and adult children may be more common than you think. One expert calls it a "silent epidemic."

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A Father posted this photo from his Son. If anyone wonders why Illinois needs statutory presumptive shared parenting, or why competent and loving Fathers are necessary to the daily lives of their children, this picture tells a thousand words:

Tips to co-parenting after divorce

Byline: Our Family Wizard Software

After a divorce, the idea of communicating with an ex may seem near to impossible. While dealing with that person is the last thing you feel like doing, trying to build an amicable relationship with that person is the best thing you can do for your children. Here are a few helpful tips to co-parenting after divorce:

Don’t let feelings dictate behavior. Emotions can easily get the best of even the most rational individuals. In contentious situations, they may dominate your actions, leaving you feeling regretful about something you said or did. Remember: always keep your child away from these kinds of conversations.

Mind your tone. To reduce the risk of instigating conflict with your co-parent, try and keep a professional tone when corresponding face-to-face or in writing. Think of your ex as a partner in parenting, and address them as you would address a work colleague.

Stay in touch. In order to build a more positive, working relationship with your co-parent, it is important not to ignore one another. Make a plan to consistently stay in touch with each other about your child. This will help you both to stay on the same page about how you are parenting your child, and it will hopefully make dealing with each other easier overall if you are used to talking.

Keep your child at the center, not in the middle. Your child’s well being should be your number one focus in every decision you and your co-parent make. While it is important to keep their best interests in the center, do not put them in the middle of your issues with your ex. You should not use your child as a middleman or messenger in your correspondence with your co-parent.

byline: Dr. Jeff Gardere:

Divorce can be one of the most stressful events in life, second only to a spouse dying. In fact, a divorce can become such a complicated and nasty affair that many people have joked that a spouse dying is a less stressful event because at least you don't have to fight the deceased in court!

The point to be made here is that during this time of stress and duress we are no longer thinking with our brains, but instead with our hearts. Normally a pure heart will win the day, but a heart which is ruled by the pain, sadness and anger of a divorce will exhibit pure emotion -- often in an illogical and dangerous fashion.

In the lead-up to a divorce, many people fail to prepare themselves emotionally and focus mainly on the legal side of the process. This, in turn, makes it difficult for them to control their emotions, setting the stage for even well-intentioned partners to make serious mistakes during the divorce process. With that in mind, we now turn to a quick survey of the five worst mistakes we make in a divorce.

1) Refusing to throw in the towel
You should make every attempt to save your marriage. That may include going on another honeymoon, re-engaging in romance, making love much more often, going to dinners and talking and getting couples counseling. But after having made these attempts, if your soon-to-be-ex insists on the divorce, and even refuses to go to couples counseling, then you must let go! It takes two to tango, and certainly takes two to try to save the marriage. You just can't do it alone.

2) Giving in to withdrawal pains
It's very hard to start a new chapter without a partner that has played a large part in your life, either positively or negatively, for quite a while. We are creatures of habit and it can be difficult to live without that person. We use the term "withdrawal pains" because the habit-forming properties of an intense relationship are similar to those associated with a drug habit. An individual experiencing these withdrawal pains will send constant e-mails, texts, or make repeated phone calls to their ex. This is very ill-advised, though -- while it may not be your intention, your former spouse may view this as harassment. Courts don't like harassment.

3) Dating too early
While going through the divorce process, some people medicate with alcohol, some with drugs, and many more through sex and dating. You will certainly feel either lonely or liberated after a divorce, but either way you will want to hook up with someone to get you through this very difficult time, or just to plug the emotional void your partner once filled. It is only natural to get out there and shake your moneymaker. In reality, though, it is simply much too soon to begin dating; you are experiencing too many emotions, and that new person will most likely be collateral damage. You may also put yourself in more emotional peril by making decisions while you are in a state of emotional imbalance.

4) Putting the kids in the middle
Everybody needs to have someone on their side, especially during a divorce. One of the biggest mistakes we make is dragging our kids into the divorce conflict, by either bad mouthing the other parent or making it difficult for the other parent to see the children. You know who wins here? No one. Everyone loses, especially the kids who may experience everything from parental alienation to depression and anger.

5) Neglecting to get help
Divorce is a difficult process, but it does not have to be a dirty word. The major reason that people find divorce to be so challenging is that they are unprepared for the tsunami of stress and emotion that comes along with it. As I wrote above, people tend not to put enough of a premium on their own emotions, instead choosing to focus on that of their children or their family. By consulting a professional or even opening up to a close friend, we can avoid the emotional anguish that is often associated with divorce.

Credit: Dr. Jeff Gardere

Sydney Morehouse, 13, of Omaha cries in Lincoln, Neb., Wednesday, Feb. 6, 2013, as she tells the Associated Press how hard it is to only get to see her father every other weekend and Wednesday nights following her parent's divorce.

Omaha resident Gary Owens pounded the table and raised his voice Wednesday as he testified before Nebraska lawmakers, demanding they pass two bills that could allow him to spend more time with his son.

A coalition of fathers, doctors and family-law attorneys is asking lawmakers to change a Nebraska parental custody law that they view as unfair to men.

The Legislature's Judiciary Committee had to open an overflow room to accommodate the advocates who testified in support for two parental custody bills.

"Men should have a right to have custody of their children just as much as their mothers," Owens said.

Sen. Russ Karpisek of Wilber introduced the first measure that would create a legal presumption that both parents are entitled to at least 45 percent of the total parenting time. If the parents disagree on this, one parent would have to prove with a preponderance of evidence that parenting time should shift in favor of one parent. He said studies show children who spend less than 35 percent of their time with a parent have diminished physical and mental health.

The legislation is modeled after a measure recently passed in Minnesota but later vetoed by the governor. The bill would have increased the amount of time each parent gets with a child from 25 percent to 35 percent.

Karpisek grew up in a divorced family and is a recently divorced parent. He said he and his wife share parenting time and that his children are doing well because of it.

The second bill, introduced by Kearney Sen. Galen Hadley, would change provisions of the Parenting Act to say it is in the best interest of the child to have substantial parenting time with both parents, and that both parents should be equally involved in making decisions involving the child. This bill is modeled after Arizona legislation that went into effect this year. Ten states have provisions that say joint custody is in the best interest of the child.

"The time has passed when the sex of the parent is the determining factor," Hadley said.

However, a legal group for Nebraskans, attorneys and advocated for domestic violence victims opposed the bills, saying they would create more family fighting, reduce child support most mothers receive and could reduce public benefits for poor households. Advocates for domestic violence victims worried women in such situations would have a harder time protecting themselves and their children.

Sen. Colby Coash of Lincoln worried about the impact Karpisek's bill would have on child support payments. Karpisek said he didn't introduce the bill to help dads get out of paying child support.

Hasting family law attorney Chris Johnson said judges would take into account the number of days the child spends with each parent and the parents' income to decide who should pay child support and how much should be paid.

"I don't care about the child support," Owens said. "Take all my money. I don't care. I want my son."

Omaha 13-year-old Sydney Morehouse asked the lawmakers Wednesday to pass the bills that would help her spend more time with her dad. Before the hearing, she burst into tears when she talked about how hard it is to only get to see her dad every other weekend and Wednesday nights. She hates shuffling between two households and not feeling settled at her dad's house.

Her dad, Curt Morehouse, said he has been fighting to get more time with her since she was a baby. He also heads a father's rights group to help divorced dads gain more time with their children.

"I'm not a bad person," he said. "There's no reason I shouldn't be able to see her more."

Post holiday stresses can lead to divorces being initiated in the New Year. Unfortunately, for many couples that means planning separate lives. Lawyers even refer to the first working day in January as “Divorce Day” because so many people begin legal proceedings to end their marriages at this time, but ministers are urging couples to seek an alternative to “traumatic”, drawn-out and costly courtroom battles.

They want bickering husbands and wives to consider using third-party mediators. Opting for the mediation route takes a quarter of the time that going through the divorce courts does and can be eight times cheaper, according to the Ministry of Justice.

“All too often money is wasted on expensive and traumatic court hearings that can take far too long to resolve,” said Lord McNally, the family justice minister. “And that is why we want to help people to use mediation, a quicker and simpler approach which brings better outcomes.”

Mediation involves the use of an independent and qualified third party to help couples talk through how they will divide their assets or decide what to do with their children. Legal advice from a solicitor can form part of the process.

Critics of the legal route say that too many couples repeatedly return to court to argue over matters that they could readily resolve themselves, such as changing the allocated days when they have their children
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Since April 2011 all couples whose marriages break up have had to consider mediation first before turning to the legal system to settle disputes, although cases involving domestic violence or child protection issues still go straight to court.

Figures for legal aid cases show that the average cost of using mediation is about £500, compared with £4,000 for issues that are settled through the courts. The average time for a mediated case is 110 days and 435 days for non-mediated cases.

The government said it would pump a further £10 million into mediation services, taking the total funding available this year to £25 million.

There have long been concerns that going through the divorce courts can make the process even more acrimonious and stressful for both couples and their children.

The number of couples in England and Wales getting divorced has fallen since a record high of more than 165,000 in 1993, and stood at 117,558 in 2011, a slight decrease on the previous year.

However, this is in part down to fewer people getting married in the first place. Census figures published last month show that married people have become a minority for the first time.

The number of people in England and Wales describing their marital status as divorced grew by 20 per cent to 4.1 million.

A recent survey found that nearly six out of 10 people in Britain believe there are not enough legal hurdles to deter couples from rushing into divorce.

Lawyers have suggested that the tough current economic climate has had a double effect by putting relationships under greater strain and then making separations more bitter as couples fight harder for a slice of their diminished assets.

Searches on a government website for information about how to get a divorce nearly doubled in January last year.

Credit: Sam Marsden, The Telegraph

Childrensrightscouncil Illinois In fact, according to university researcher Dr. Emily Douglas, in "Mending Broken Families: social policies for divorced families", the overwhelming majority of divorcing fathers have wanted at least equal parenting time with their children, or sole custody -- and this has been consistent since the first surveys were undertaken in the early 1960s. Additionally, research by esteemed clinical psychologists like Dr. Joan B Kelly and others have substantiated that the persistence of Every Other Weekend "de-parenting" or "a-parent-dectomies" , applied almost entirely only to fathers, has resulted in children becoming emotionally detached, as 'their fathers were turned into uncles'. In fact, it was partially due to the research of people like Dr. Kelly, that a direct link was established between the 30% detachment rate between divorced dads and their children, and the Every Other Weekend 'visitation' schedules.

Parental Alienation - A Corrosive Legacy
By Judge Michele Lowrance

I have been a judge on the divorce bench for 16 years, and have watched the wreckage of the corrosive legacy of parental alienation and visitation interference play out over decades. We have no statistics for measuring this group, because the victims are too vast. But the concentric circles include the children, their children and the extended family as well. The declaration of war by one parent on another creates radioactive fallout, which contaminates for generations.

The alienating parent treats the target parent like a disease in the child that must be removed. They make the child's survival contingent upon such removal. So the child must extricate the parent without the privilege of grieving the loss. These are crippling circumstances.

I have witnessed impassioned declarations of love for a child by an alienating parent to masquerade the venom he/she feels for the other parent. Parents who do this are not interested in mere control. Their stakes are higher: total annihilation of the target parent's bond with the child. Little by little, alienation in a divorce case starts to take root. And when it fully takes root, I see the child's boundaries collapse before my eyes. Soon the child forgets how to protect him or herself, and must align with the alienating parent as if life depends on it -- because it does.

Perhaps curing this degenerating influence may, in the future, be addressed by therapy. But for now, we can and must do better. I want to tell you how to be proactive in court, and how to fight against the inclination to give up like so many hurt, alienated parents -- who are, frankly, not always welcomed in the courts.

Why Cases Involving Parent Alienation are so Difficult

Here are some reasons these cases are so difficult, and why judges often have no love for them:

Combative parents present conflicting stories of "he said / she said," and make it very difficult to determine who is telling the truth. Often an alienating parent comes to believe what he or she is saying, and their presentation seems authentic.
When targeted parents present their side of the case, they are often angry and frustrated -- and as a result, they don't present very well in court. Judges often consider attitude as influential as content.
The children often support the alienating parent by telling the judge, their attorney and mental health professionals how they have been treated badly, and of their dislike, for the target parent. The reasoning skills of alienated children are often compromised, as is their ability to choose freely.
Alienated children often won't cooperate with therapeutic intervention, and courts have difficulty enforcing these orders.
Judges like to believe that what they do works and it is the right decision. When their decisions don't work, they often get exasperated with both parties.

What You can Do in Courts

Despite these difficulties there is plenty that you can do. Here are some suggestions for handling parental alienation in the courts:

Parenting plan orders should be entered as soon as possible.
Create an alienation map or chart for the judge, which shows him or her in five minutes what couldn't be said in five hours. This map should include all missed visits, and a list of all the denigrating phrases made by alienating spouse to the children, including the friends and/or extended family of the hated parent (if they are admissible in evidence). If you know how to make a graph, you can show the increase in missed visits in a very compelling and impactful way.
Most judges aren't warm to the phrase Parent Alienation Syndrome. Instead, ask the judge to please keep an eye open for visitation interference, as the case progresses, and describe for him or her the maligning behavior.
Get a court order for parenting therapy as soon as possible.
If orders are violated, go to court on a Rule To Show Cause for violation of the order as soon as possible. If you can't afford an attorney, then do this yourself. Write petition for rule, for visitation violation, for family therapy, or for makeup visitation.

You may be among the many alienated parents I have known, who have grown weary due to the repetitive stress fracture on your heart. Each time your visitation is interfered with, it has a cumulative affect. This can make you hyper sensitive, which easily magnifies your emotional response.

Because your emotions are flooding your ability to reason, writing and rewriting a petition with your attorney is a rational thing to do and gives your thoughts "breathing time." If you immediately act upon your anger, you are just going to make things worse -- and perhaps run the risk that the other parent will get an order of protection against you. Reflect upon the past consequences of your amped up anger. Did you write nasty emails, make hostile phone calls, yell at your child, become overly aggressive, or decide to retreat and do nothing?

The way to tell if your anger serves you is to always ask yourself the following four questions:

Does this anger further my constructive goals?
Does this anger further degenerate my relationship with my children?
In what ways does this anger help me?
In what ways does this anger help my spouse?

If your reactions are based upon what has been done to you, you can only respond with hatred. When you do this, you give the alienating parent the "upper hand," because he or she has provoked you to become the hateful person who they are portraying you to be to the children. Don't let someone else provoke, influence, and therefore control how you behave. You run the risk of actually becoming as miserable and dysfunctional of a person as they're trying to portray you to your children. When you react with hatred, you not only play into their hands, you're letting them steer your ship, letting them determine your present and future.

When Your Children Come Home, Who do You Want Them to Come Home to?

As you read this, you may be on the edge of giving up. You may be starting to feel that nothing can work against your former spouse's devotion to destroy your relationship with your children. Even though you may be physically invisible to your children, you will always be visible to them through stories, gossip and second hand reporting from all sources. When we lose a loved one, we often decide to live the way that the departed person would have wanted us to. In the same spirit, when you lose a child to alienation, you need to live as if he or she is watching you. Your long term goal is to become the person your child wants to come home to.

Michele F. Lowrance has been a domestic-relations judge in the Circuit Court of Illinois since 1995.