Illinois Divorce Lawyer Blog

I received a letter from Chrissy, who founded Survivors not Victims of PAS. I asked for her permission to reprint her letter to me. It's a very insightful and heartfelt account of PAS, and its impact on a young woman.

Oh thank you Michael. Yes, I would be happy for you to post it. Im trying to make a diffrence for hurting parents as well as the hurting children. It is my hearts desire to help in the fight against PAS. It effects the children way into adult hood. Im hoping with my story more kids will come forward and share their story as well. If there is anything I can do for you or your parents please let me know. Sometimes hearing or talking is more uplifting than reading it. Im always here.

Thank you for all your hard work and supporting a cause that is dear to my heart. Keep up the life changing work and you have all my support
Chrissy

My name is Chrissy. Im the founder of ~Survivors not
Victims~. I have many chapters to my book of life as you can see on my website.
But this chapter is on PAS and how it effected me.

When I was 3 my mom meet the man we thought would fullfill our dreams
of being a husband and father. This was shatterd shortly after the
courting was over. My mother and I where very much abusied by this man. I
was always without my mom knowing made known by him that I was not his
child. I always wanted his love and approval I hungered after it but
nothing I did was right for him. When he yelled at me pure fear would enter
my mind would I get hit this time and never ever was I allowed to look
him in the eye during these periods. Iwould get flush my ankles would
itch the butterfies in my stomach would be overwelming. I tell you
these things to help you to understand the power someone can have over your
mind even after all this.They eventally had my 2 wonderful brothers.

Continue reading "Parental Alienation: Survivors not Victims" »

I receive a fair numer of calls from individuals looking for a lower cost, lower stress means of pursuing their divorce. Some people report that they want mediation, and describe for me what sounds like Collaborative or Cooperative divorce, and vice versa. Despite the sometimes confusion, one point is clear: people are looking for a better path to take that the traditional bitterly litigated divorce. While mediation is helpful, and favored by Illinois judges, Collaborative and Cooperative divorce practice presents some advantages

Mediation and collaborative practice are two very different practices, but they both have at heart the same sensibility: resolving difficult family disputes in a lower conflict manner. The Oklahoma Family Law Blog highlighted these practices in a recent post, on which I have summarized and commented further:

In mediation, there is one 'neutral' who helps the disputing parties try to settle their case. The mediator cannot give either party legal advice, and cannot help either side advocate its position. If one side or the other becomes unreasonable or stubborn, or lacks negotiating skill, or is emotionally distraught, the mediation can become unbalanced. A well trained mediator can try to help bring the parties back to the center, and facilitate resolution of disputes that the parties view as unresolvable. However, some mediations end without a resolution, and the parties return to court with no perceived options left but litigation.

Collaborative Law was designed to deal more effectively with all these problems of unresolvable impasse, while maintaining the same absolute commitment to settlement as the sole agenda. Each side has quality legal advice and advocacy built in at all times during the process. Even if one side or the other lacks negotiating skill or financial understanding, or is emotionally upset or angry, the playing field is leveled by the presence of the skilled advocates. It is the job of the lawyers to work with their own clients if the clients are being unreasonable, to make sure that the process stays positive and productive.

Collaborative and Cooperative Divorce practice are really processes, in which the parties and the attorneys are fully and mutually engaged, together. There is guidance, advocacy, and negotiation, all in a respectful and non-litigious environment. Is this a better path? Absolutely, for many individuals seeking a lower conflict, lower cost divorce.

Of my clients that smartly utilize the collaborative or cooperative model of divorce (ie low conflict) I usually don't see a need for therapy or transition counseling during a divorce. Some of my clients do benefit, however, from contact with an experienced therpaist skilled in divorce, family conflict, and co-parenting counseling.

Divorce can be an isolating. Divorce is change. Divorce is transition. Divorce can be anxiety-producing, even frightening. My office neighbor, Rhonda Kelloway, LCSW, speaks of the role of a therapist as a "professional, caring companion through this difficult stage in your life journey." Rhonda speaks of goal setting and charting a course to help her clients reach the goals that they desire for themselves for the future. "My goal," Rhonda says, "is to help you get back to your best life as quickly as possible." I like this approach, and have always felt that my clients in the difficult transition of divorce have benefited from counseling.

Rhonda Kelloway can be reached at 630-569-0822.

I and others are doing some research into the phenomenon of parental alienation, and the onset of PAS in children as a result of a campaign of denigration and alienation by one parent against the "target" parent. I found a video program below that you might find interesting.

Continue reading "Parental Alienation: Video Discussion" »

As many of my cases deal with possible BPD and NPD-type disorders, I see traits of Parental Alienation Syndrome in alienating parents. These cases are very challenging...in part because there are kids being harmed by the alienation and by the pathology directed at them on a daily basis by the alienating parent. Further, the cases can be difficult to manage as the alienating parents are often skillful manipulators that have had some prior success through the years harming the healthy, non-disordered "target" parent's legal standing, through false accusations and false orders of protection (often easy to obtain on an ex parte basis). Many disordered parents obtain custody and control of children through manipulation of the court process. In the end, the non-disordered target parent suffers, and the kids suffer, perhaps more, emotionally and developmentally.

There are strategies to combat PAS in custody cases. The article below discusses PAS in some detail.

"Welcome to the Swamp." by Amy Johnson Conner

That's what a judge once told a client of a divorce attorney when accusations of parental alienation were leveled against the client in a custody hearing.

Parental alienation syndrome - a controversial diagnosis to describe a child who compulsively denigrates one parent in response to consistent brainwashing by the other parent - has become a not-uncommon theme in custody cases.

According to Richard Gardner, the psychologist who is considered the father of the syndrome, it typically manifests itself as a campaign of denigration by one parent against the other, which is accompanied by weak, frivolous and absurd rationalizations for the deprecation. As a result of this steady campaign of insult, the child reflexively supports the alienating parent and experiences no guilt over their own cruelty towards the targeted parent.

But the mental health profession is far from agreement about the existence of the syndrome. Noting the lack of supporting data, the American Psychological Association has "no official position on the purported syndrome," according to a statement in its website.

The legal community is divided as well.

Continue reading "Parental Alienation Discussed " »

1. Hanging onto the house at all costs.

Many couples scrambling to obtain a divorce settlement wish to keep the house at any cost. However, keeping the four bedroom marital home may be a financial undertaking that neithe rparty can absorb in the post-divorce environment. Maintenance and child support to the recipient parent can help fund the mortgage and taxes, but some parties find that the burdens of keeping the marital home post-divorce outweigh the benefits, especially in this current home market/mortgage environment.

2. Failing to make a clean financial break.

Clean separation of assets and debts is another difficult task, but one that Howard Dvorkin, the founder of Consolidated Credit Counseling Services says is absolutely necessary, or the consequences can be devastating. Although the task may seem insurmountable, “the alternative is much worse,” says Dvorkin. “Having a spouse drive up your debt when you’re not married anymore” can seriously affect one’s credit score.

3. Counting on your ex to honor financial commitments.

Depending on your former spouse to comply with financial arrangements is also a huge mistake, according to this article. Although both parties in a divorce are beholden to a court-ordered divorce agreement, creditors are not bound by the terms of the divorce judgment. If your ex fails to pay on debts or loans, you may be hurt when applying for future financing.

4. Forgetting to change your will and beneficiary forms.

Wills and trusts can also be seriously impacted by divorce proceedings. Parties in divorce should separately seek counsel for the redrafting and execution of new estate plans, reflecting the wishes of the maker of the will and/or trust prior to the time of the divorce.

5. Overlooking taxes.

Finally, never forget which amount of money in your divorce settlement is maintenance, and which amount is child support. While child support payments are not taxable to the recipient, maintenance payments are.

Source: "Breaking Up Is Hard To Do Financially" by Kathy Chu, published in USA Today. Thanks to South Carolina Law Blog for the highlighting of this article.

BPD is a devastating disorder-both for the person who has it and their family members. Partners often find themselves becoming isolated, losing both family and friends to the craziness and jealousy that sometimes comes with living with a BP partner.

The Effects of Isolation
Isolation is an extremely powerful weapon. It can be used to break people down, causing them to lose hope, self-esteem, and even their individuality. It is effective and swift.
It very unlikely that your partner is consciously using isolation as a tool to get what they need. But it doesn't matter. It works just the same.
Following are some questions to help you determine if you have become isolated:

· If so, is it because your partner insisted you stop visiting others, was jealous of other friends, or made threats?
· Would you be embarrassed if people knew about your private life?
· Are there absurd "rules" you must follow that you would never tell anyone? For example, one BP was furious at her husband because of the way he chewed. So for the next 15 years of the marriage, he ate in the kitchen. His children thought all fathers ate in the kitchen and were surprised to learn it was different at their friends' houses.
· Have you made large sacrifices for your partner that have taken you away from friends and family for a long time? For three years, one husband worked two jobs and took care of their three children by himself to avoid "stressing" his BPD wife. Yet at a group therapy session, she angrily claimed he had done "nothing" to support her in years.
· Do you feel so responsible for your partner that you avoid leaving the house?
· When was the last time you made a new friend, took a class, went to a movie your partner didn't want to see, or took a day trip out of town?
· If you're on the phone when your partner comes home, do you quickly hang up to avoid answering questions about the call?
· Do you avoid contact with members of the opposite sex when you're with your partner so you won't be accused of wanting to have an affair?

Credit: Randi Kreger www.BPDCentral.com

Continue reading "Isolation: Living with a Borderline Personality Partner " »

Technology has improved many aspects of divorce practice and helping families adjust to parenting in two separate households. One example that I think of immediately is the use of 'virtual visitation," that is, using high speed internet connections to permit video and audio contact with low conflict parents not able to visit in person with their children. This type of visitation is appropriate in very low conflict divorces with parents that actively support the other parent's active parenting, and in cases where the nonresidential parent lives a great distance from the children, and is otherwise unable to "visit" the kids consistently in person.

Technology has now come to the Coping and Caring" classes required of divorcing parents in DuPage County, according to the DuPage Family Center:

The Caring, Coping and Children Co-Parenting class is now available
online!
Your clients will now have the option to take the course over the
internet or in person. Both options have been approved by the 18th Judicial
Circuit and meet the State requirements for parenting education in divorce
cases.

Continue reading "DuPage Divorce Cases and Internet Parenting Classes" »

The area of Grandparents Rights to custody of grandchildren and visitation with their grandchildren is a compelling area of the law. Is it not true that many children have been raised successfully by their grandparents? How many children look to their grandparents for mentoring, guidance, and love...sometimes qualities not received from their own parents?

The law presently favors the "superior rights" of a natural parent over the rights of grandparents. This seems to to be the law in most states, since the US Supreme Court decided a case concerning the constitutional rights of parents to make decisions about their children, to the exclusion of the rest of the family. There are exceptions to this general rule, but the exceptions are narrowly drawn.

There is a 2007 version of the Grandparent Visitation Act:

Continue reading "Illinois Grandparents Rights" »

There has been a lot of recent attention and requests for the non-court collaborative divorce from some very smart and informed people in DuPage, DeKalb and Kane counties recently. What are the benefits to a collaborative model? Read some of the reasons below:

Lower Cost
The collaborative process is generally less costly and time-consuming than litigation.

Client Involvement
The client is a vital part of the settlement team and have a greater sense of involvement in the decision making which affects their lives.

Supportive Approach
Each client is supported by their lawyer and coach in a manner that still allows the attorneys to work collaboratively with one another in resolving issues.

Less Stress
The process is much less fear and anxiety producing than utilizing Court proceedings or the threat of such proceedings. Everyone can focus on settlement without the imminent threat of 'going to Court'.

Win-Win Climate
The Collaborative process creates a positive climate that produces a more satisfactory outcome for both parties. The possibility actually exists for participants to create a climate that facilitates 'win-win' settlements.

Speed
The speed of the collaborative process is governed by the parties rather than court calendars.

Creativity
The collaborative process encourages creative solutions in resolving issues.

Clients in Charge
The non-adversarial nature of the collaborative process shifts decision making into the hands of the clients where it belongs, rather than into the hands of a third party (the court).

SOURCE: Collaborative Law Institute of Georgia

It has been my experience that roughly 10-20 percent of divorce cases involve a high conflict custody issue. A percentage of these cases involve a very serious and negative phenomenon: Parental Alienation. What is Parental Alienation?

The authors below describe PA in terms of an alienating mother, though I have had cases involving an alienating father, as well. Co-morbid with the PAS has been the possibility of an Axis 2 Personality Disorder, and these disorders present in both men and women. I have written in the field of Axis Two disorders and issues concerning PAS. My friend Bill Eddy's book, Splitting, is the best resource that I know of for divorcing parents dealing with PAS.

The information below came from an article describing Dr. Gardner's observations about PAS in divorce cases. Are you a nonresidential parent experiencing PA? Help is available.

Continue reading "High Conflict Custody Cases and PAS" »