ILLINOIS DIVORCE LAW BLOG

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By Kimberly Nichols

It was a glorious Southern California day in the beachside Balboa Park in San Diego as I sat in a flowering position on a yoga mat with 1,000 other people in the grass to hear renowned Buddhist Thich Nat Han deliver a talk on peace. After his discussion, he invited members of the audience to the stage to discuss difficult issues in their lives. One man walked up with trepidation and proceeded to tell us, with pain in his voice, about his current struggles with his ex-wife.

“I only see my son once every two weeks,” he described. “He spends the first full day of our visits locked in his room away from me and finally comes out to engage with me on the second day, at which time he proceeds to interact with me the same way my ex-wife does. It is clear that in his mom’s home, he is constantly fed grief and anger towards me. My wife’s projections onto him about her disappointments in our own relationship are so strong that my son has begun to view me in the same way that she does. By the end of our visit, when he finally warms up to me enough to crack a smile, it’s time for him to go home. What do I do to ease this situation without feeding in to the drama my wife is creating?”

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I highly recommend the following book by my colleague and author of Splitting (1st Ed). I wrote the foreword to Bill’s first BPD and Divorce book, and have followed the great work he is doing in the High Conflict Personalities training area. Bill is a former clinician, who turned to the practice of family law in San Diego where he developed his cutting edge perspectives on divorce and high conflict personalities.

BIFF: Quick Responses to High Conflict People, Their Personal Attacks, Hostile Email and Social Media Meltdowns

By Bill Eddy, LCSW, Esq.http://www.highconflictinstitute.com/books-a-products

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Parental alienation has been a hot-button topic since Richard Gardner’s theory and the subsequent debate occurred. While the American Psychological Association never recognized Parental Alienation as a diagnostic label, many Court relied on expert testimony in this area in adjudicating custody disputes. The fact is that children do sometimes experience distance in their relationship with a parent. Recent research (Kelly and Johnson, 2001) confirms that there are many reasons for this distance, ranging from realistic estrangement, where a child is distant or rejects a parent who has abused him, to pathological alienation, where a child is distant or rejects a parent due to the influence of the other parent. The middle ground between these extremes contains children who display an allegiance for one parent over the other – who have not been subject to any dynamics of alienation or abuse. The allegiance shown by these children is often age and developmentally appropriate. Alienation exists but it is not a “one size fits all” label and discerning which type of alienation is present is the basis for determining the relative responsibilities of the parents for causing this alienation and, more importantly, helps to identify the necessary treatments for remedying it. Alienated children suffer (Fidler and Bala, 2010) and the ill effects of the alienation persist into adulthood (Baker 2005a, 2005b, 2007) It is critical for their best interest and safety that the problem be accurately identified and treated.

Credit: Dr. David Finn, Rolling Meadows, Illinois

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I reviewed this video very recently and was impressed with the quality and depth of it. Some of the leading clinicians in the area of BPD are present in this video, along with personal stories from some very courageous people.

In my divorce and custody practice, there is a focus on custody issues when one of the parents has traits of BPD. Some of these traits are discussed in this video. It is very important that when involved in a custody case with BPD, that the safety of the children is paramount, but that the parents in these cases be viewed with understanding and compassion, as well. Decisions about the custody and visitation of the children must be made through the lens of both the courts and knowledgeable clinicians. If you have questions in this area of divorce and custody, please contact my office for an informed initial consultation.

 

 

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A decade ago, couples that were divorcing could count on a fairly expedient sale of their marital home, and at the time of the closing of the sale of the home, there would be a payout that would leave one or both of the parties with cash to either start over in their new life, or use the cash to fund a downpayment on a new residence.

In recent years, we have seen home values plummet, and home equity values evaporate. People in divorce today speak of their home as the marital “asset,” yet in many cases, the marital residence is a significant marital liability that must be managed with some reasonableness and diligence.

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Marital residences that are “under water,” or in other words, worth less than the debt that is secured by the property, most often need to be with sold or managed through a bank workout process. Some of my clients work with professionals who perform property workouts as the major part f their practice. One aspect of the workout is managing the possibility for a deficiency judgment. A bank may seek to have the amount of the mortgage not covered by a short sale assigned as a liability to the owner; this is called a deficiency judgment. In some cases, the bank may be required to be willing to waive the deficiency judgment, and be required to issue a 1099 to the previous owner for the amount of deficiency after the short sale. It’s important for you to know that the lender cannot pursue a deficiency judgment and issue a 1099. They can only do one or the other, not both. If the deficiency is waived as a condition to the short sale, the owners will receive a 1099.

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New Bears wide receiver Brandon Marshall discusses his diagnosis of and treatment for Borderline Personality Disorder.

Much of my work in divorce and custody litigation, along with some research and writing that I have done, has focused on divorce cases with a personality disorder involved. BPD and NPD present in a number of high conflict custody cases, and the tendency of people with BPD and NPD to act out, rage, blame others, and even target their spouse in divorce with false allegations is common.

As Mr. Marshall describes, BPD is treatable, yet very few have the ability or resource to seek treatment, and BP’s are notorious for refusing treatment, even while their marriage and family is breaking down.

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Mindy Smith wrote an interesting article in the Huffington Post last year on the “Ten Signs Your Marriage is Headed for Divorce.” I may not agree completely with her Top 10 List, but I include it for interesting reading. She listed the following:

RED FLAG #10: If your spouse is facebooking with his or her high school sweetheart on a daily basis, you may be heading for a divorce.

RED FLAG #9: If you spouse has gained more than 20% of his or her body weight, you may be headed for divorce.

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With the recent publication of Jill Egizii and Judge Michele Lowrance’s workbook “Parental Alienation 911,” more attention is being focused in Illinois on parental alienation, it’s pathology, and ways to address it.

The Honorable Judge Gomery of Canada once stated, “Hatred is not an emotion that comes naturally to a child. It has to be taught. A parent who would teach a child to hate the other parent represents a grave and persistent danger to the mental and emotional health of that child.”

So, what are possible causes of Parental Alienation?

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The “Ask Amy” column today in the Tribune discusses marital affairs and the offended party’s need to tell others, including the children, the reasons for the divorce:

I have been married for 25 years. My wife had an affair early in our marriage and we worked things out with counseling. Two years ago I caught her having another affair but for family and health reasons I did not divorce her at that time. We put on an act for others, including our two children, so no one knows how bad our marriage is. Now my kids are in college and I want a divorce.

Some of my clients first came to my office for an initial consultation with the damage of an affair at the forefront of their concerns. In some of these cases, the custody of the children is an issue. In other cases, there are no minor children of the marriage, and the concern is property division and spousal support.

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