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I have touched on this subject before in some of my posts, but the theme does bear repeating. One of the pleasures of my work and mission to help people in toxic situations is that most all of my clients in marriages with NPDs or BPDs are very good people, Often, they are empathic, and caring, and are always wonderful people and parents to their children. Yet, they have suffered with emotional abuse for years and sometimes physcial abuse from the NPD/BPD spouse. My work has allowed me to be of service and help to parents and kids caught in a relationship with a toxic personality.  Contact my office if the themes here resonate with you and you are looking for a way to create an intervention, and a new life free from a history of abuse and suffering.

An article today caught my attention, and it may be useful for readers caught in these relationships and needing a skillful plan in order to manage a divorce from a narcissist or someone with toxic and angry borderline traits.

These 10 things happen when a narcissist ends up in a relationship with an empath…

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One of the most difficult things to understand in life is how someone who professes to love you can then go on to abuse you.  Many people feel traumatized and confused after a relationship with an abusive Narcissistic partner ends. They wonder: “We were so in love, yet he went from telling me that I was the love of his life to treating me like garbage. He cheated on me.  He devalued me.  He embarrassed me in front of our friends.  How can I trust anyone again, if I so badly misjudged this person?”

If you have ever been abused by a Narcissistic mate or lover and now are out of the relationship, you may be wondering how you could have made such a big mistake—and how you can avoid doing it again in the future.

The good news is that most people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder are very predictable.  They tend to follow the same relationship pattern over and over again.  And, unlike common perceptions about Narcissists, most are not very devious.  Narcissists are continually signaling that they are Narcissists.  You can learn to recognize the early signs that the new love of your life is a Narcissist by paying close attention to how they behave towards you in each stage of the relationship. Then it is up to you to decide if you want to continue the relationship. Here are some of the basics that you need to know:

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Here’s a post from a perusal off of social media and high conflict divorce. This exchange may resonate with a lot of people:

I need help. I have been married for 13 years. We have two wonderful sons. My husband had an affair that ended about 5 years ago. The affair hurt but…he also emotionally and physically did things to me during his affair and that hurt even more. After it ended, he did apologize to me. But, he almost never showed me love or attention. And he had lied about so many different things to me.

I have been diagnosed with anxiety and depression. I am currently trying to get help for that. And I just started to take Lexapro for my anxiety and depression. 

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Today is Mother’s Day, and aside from wishing all of our Moms a wonderful day, I wanted to point out as well that parental alienation exists with mothers as targets. More often than one might think.

Today, a Mom posted this:

” And please don’t ever give up……There were three of us moms in Nashville, Boston and New York who became fast friends online because we were alienated from our children. It took between 2 and 5 years respectively but all 3 of us are reunited with with our children. Take care of yourself, live a full life and, like us, your children may come to see through the lies the alienator told them to find their way back to you. Sending you love, hugs, and prayers.”

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One of the priviledges that I have as a lawyer for some wonderful people going through a significant life change is the ability to interface with them about anxiety and depression. In some cases, the symptoms are being experienced by the children of divorce. In other cases my own clients are struggling with situational depression, or a resurrection of symmptoms while undergoing stressful events. One of the most important features of this discussion is that these symptoms are normal, and universal. As a society, we don’t discuss depression and anxiety well, or openly, but the time has arrived to have these discussions. It is good to see such prominent people taking public their own expereinces with mental health issues.

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Once again, I am happy to report that Illinois Divorce Lawyer Blog has received recognition as a Top 100 Divorce Blog. This blog is a labor of love, and designed to bring helpful information about Divorce, Custody, Finances, and Psychological Issues in Divorce.


Top 100 Divorce Blogs & Websites For To-Be Divorced & Divorcees

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I receive calls almost every day from people considering filing for a divorce. I always take these calls seriously, and try to get a phone or personal meeting set up as soon as is possible as every person that I meet with has good and thoughtful questions. My policy has always been to never push or encourage people into a divorce filing (absent other factors like Domestic Violence or other pathology, where an Intervention is needed) , and of course, to never promote a divorce when a divorce is not needed between a couple. Sometimes, people that I meet with simply wish to know what their options are, and what a divorce might entail if they decide to separate from their spouse and improve their life and family system.

Yet, with the new rules regarding maintenance, a single point needs to be made. If you’re going to pay (the majority of time, this is the Husband), it might be beneficial to file before the new statute’s benchmark dates kicks in for maintenance (spousal support).  If you are going to receive maintenance (the majority of time, the Wife), be mindful of the benchmark dates; you might wait a month or two (assuming there’s no pathology or domestic violence in the marriage) if you’re on the threshold of a higher maintenance percentage.  Here what the new statute requires:

The duration of maintenance is calculated by multiplying the length of the marriage at the time the action was commenced by whichever of the following factors applies: 5 years or less (.20); more than 5 years but less than 10 years (.40); 10 years or more but less than 15 years (.60); or 15 years or more but less than 20 years (.80). For a marriage of 20 or more years, the court in its discretion will order maintenance either permanently or for a period equal to the length of the marriage.