ILLINOIS DIVORCE LAW BLOG

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I was reading a social networking site that had a thread on Borderline Personality Disorder. It can be very helpful to read the DSM for the diagnostic criteria for BPD, but it can be also quite insightful to read the stories of people affected by a relationship or marriage with someone with BPD. Here are a few examples, below:

“Get out as fast as you can, don’t look back.The only reason to stay with a BPDer is if you are a parent who has a child with the disorder. I was married to someone with BPD. The horrors.

The non-BP has been sucker punched. When you are in a relationship with a BPD you both share a private, intense world of ups and downs. 3 AM screaming matches, stomping, acting out, and in some cases, self harm and violence. This brings you both together in a co dependency. Each time there is a blow up, the couple is drawn closer together in the resolution phase, when the BPDers devaluation episode subsides. This codependency is insidious. I call it being sucker punched.”

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By BRADLEY BROOKS, Associated Press Writer Bradley Brooks, Associated Press

RIO DE JANEIRO – A New Jersey father has his hopes pinned on Brazil’s chief justice, praying he will regain custody of his son after a five-year court battle in time to spend the holidays with the boy – in the United States.

David Goldman also said he would allow 9-year-old Sean’s Brazilian relatives to visit with his son if he wins the case.

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Michael Doherty of the Children’s Rights Council of Illinois was kind enough to write me this weekend to say that his members have been following Illinois Divorce Law Blog. Here is an excellent article about shared parenting in which the Children’s Rights Council was quoted:

Sharing Custody By: Sarah Rupp http://www.crisp-india.org/articles/147.html

“Do what’s best for the kids.”

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I spoke with one of the committee leaders from the Illinois Legislature’s Family Law Committee today on the progress being made to reform Illinois’ antiquated custody and support statutes.

I have been writing for years on the need for Illinois to join the 21st century, and revise its Dissolution of Marriage Act to reflect statutes that exist in other states that create, for example, a presumption of joint legal and physical custody.

A legal presumption of joint custody acts to establish both parents as presumptively fit to share the parenting of their children. Presently in Illinois, mothers and fathers fight over who will “win” the custody of the child(ren). States that have enacted presumptive joint custody take the fight out of these cases. These states, of course, leave open the possibility that one parent may challenge the fitness of the other to have shared custody, but at the every least, unlike Illinois, these states do not presume that one parent is to be a winner, and the other a loser, in the custody war.

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One of my valued clients, who happens to be an engineer by training and otherwise an interesting and dynamic person, made a comment at court today. She had been watching other cases taking place at the courthouse, and marveled at the amount of controversy over objectively small issues. She stated to me and a colleague that “I simply won’t come to court unless the issue in dispute is over a substantial amount of money.”

Now, my colleague and I have both worked hard to keep court costs for clients as low as possible; both of us practice this cost effective way. We both agreed that it pains us as legal professionals to see people exhaust precious family funds on wrongheaded legal disputes.

What my client was speaking to was this universal concern that litigants should be mindful of the costs of litigation, and that many disputes are amenable to resolution without the costs, uncertainties, and stresses of litigation. This same philosophy of cost saving and collaboration underlies the movement toward collaborative and cooperative divorce.

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I was involved in a child custody matter recently that was becoming difficult to settle, for a number of reasons. I represented the Dad in the case. One of the reasons for the impasse was the wife’s refusal to consider joint custody. I had prepared a detailed Joint Parenting Agreement that was a healthy and proper plan for the parents and the children of the marriage, It was rejected.

Here’s what occurred. Shortly before trial, I took the wife’s deposition. In the deposition, I began to inquire as to her reasons for refusing a joint parenting agreement, pointing out to her examples as to how she and my client had communicated and worked together on recent medical and school issues involving the children.

What developed in the deposition was an appreciation that she had never accurately understood what joint custody in Illinois meant. She told me that she refused to share the time 50/50 with the children with her then-husband, but she offered that she was completely OK with making him a part of every decision in the children’s lives She affirmed that he is a good dad, and should be equally involved in the major decisions.

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amy%20baker.jpg Many professionals that work with divorce and custody cases see cases of Parental Alienation. Parental alienation can be defined as a social dynamic, generally occurring due to divorce, when a child expresses unjustified hatred or unreasonably strong dislike of a ” target=”_ parent, making access by the rejected parent difficult or impossible.

Dr. Amy Baker is a nationally recognized expert in parent child relationships, especially children of divorce, parental alienation syndrome, and emotional abuse of children. Her book, pictured here, provides answers to many critical questions surrounding parental alienation, and is a valuable resource at understanding this highly damaging process.

One definition: The alienation is triggered by an alienating parent. In its worst and most pathological forms, the alienating parent acts to align the children to his or her side and together, with the children, campaign to destroy their relationship with the targeted parent. For the campaign to work, the obsessed alienator enmeshes the children’s personalities and beliefs into their own.

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Part of practicing family law involves, at least in my opinion, a measure of compassion for and understanding of each client’s family system, and the family system and financial changes that a divorce will visit upon a family. Each family is different; each case is also unique. My firm applies creative approaches to each case, with a goal of shaping outcomes that are best for the client and the family as a whole.

In helping families adapt to the changes that a conflicted divorce brings, there are resources available that can provide a measure of comfort and coaching.

Rosalind Sedacca’s ‘How Do I Tell the Kids about the DIVORCE?’ is a thoughtful template for parents looking for coaching in how to help their children manage the change that divorce brings to a family. Even if you don’t purchase her guidebook, http://www.howdoitellthekids.com, you need to make sure you share these essential messages with your kids again and again so that they never forget:

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I have written in this blog on Collaborative and Cooperative Divorce and conducted a seminar last year for the Kane County ADR Committee on Collaborative and Cooperative Divorce. The Collaborative Divorce offers some distinct advantages to divorcing parties over the typical bitterly contested, litigated divorce. However, there have been some difficulties with the collaborative model, such that my office more typically suggests a Cooperative Model. I have developed my own approach to the collaborative process, and other cutting edge lawyers have done so, as well. In the right case, with the right parties, it’s a terrific way to help divorcing families. What is this model? Linda Roberson wrote recently about this model, and I enclose it below:

Cooperative Divorce
The attorneys who are spearheading the “collaborative divorce” movement have adopted this idea with the best of intentions. They are looking in good faith for a more humane and less stressful way to deal with the sturm und drang of marital dissolution. They are legitimately frustrated with the waste of time and duplication of effort that goes into simultaneous settlement negotiations and trial preparation. They want to make a hard time easier for their clients and for themselves.

We can work toward these goals without running afoul of ethical rules, and refusing to use the available resources of the court system appropriately to facilitate negotiated settlements wherever possible. Let’s call it “cooperative divorce.”
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Illinois attorneys and the Illinois legislature are now studying changes to Illinois’ Marriage and Dissolution of Marriage Act. One of the goals of the review is to, perhaps, bring Illinois into the 21st Century by reforming the way we resolve custody issues, as well as revising the language of custody. What changes would you like to see in our Illinois dissolution and custody statutes?

I’d certainly like to see the concept of “custody” relegated to the dustbin of history. Mom and Dad are parents…why not enact legislation that defines parenting as a shared relationship? Isn’t it almost always true that the non-custodial parent hates to have what is called “visitation?” When does a parent become a visitor? How many custody wars have been fought over who would be relegated to “visitor” status?

Minnesota attorney and mediator Molly Millet discusses below changes that Minnesota made in 2007: “The biggest change in Minnesota that has been helpful is the perception of “custody.” Before, parents would fight over the custody label – who got custody and how that related to child support. Now, it’s “parenting time.” Now, parents are focusing on time with their kids, rather than a legal label.It also takes both spouses’ incomes into account. If you earn twice as much, you will pay more. It didn’t make any sense before. Let’s say Mom worked and Dad lost his job. He was paying child support, and the calculation didn’t in any way take into account Mom had always earned more than Dad. Also before, expenses were split 50-50 regardless of who made what income. Now, in most cases, it’s split proportionally.”

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