ILLINOIS DIVORCE LAW BLOG

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The end of the calendar year brings the holidays into view, and for newly separated and divorced parents, the arrival of the holidays brings anxiety, not cheer. This is all the more true for parents who will not be seeing their children on the traditional holidays. What approach can a newly divorced parent take now that the holidays are here? A few suggestions:

1. Try to see the changes in your life as opportunities, rather than challenges. I’ve suggested to clients through the years to buy the December issue of “Chicago Magazine” and find activities to do alone, if necessary, and new holiday activities that can be shared with the children. Visit one of the hotels in Chicago to see the holiday displays…do something, anything, that is new and different. The key is to let go of how the holidays used to be in the marriage and to create new adventures…for yourself and the children.

2. Establish new traditions, rather than lamenting the loss of old traditions. Instead of being sad that the children weren’t with you to pick out the holiday tree, take a day that you do have the children, and ride the train into Chicago to visit the Daley Center’s German Christmas Market. Buy an ornament that the children select from one of the Market’s vendors, and take it home and place it on the tree.

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Personality Disorders affect the quality of marriages, and when the conflict and distortions in a marriage lead to a divorce and custody case, the harmful elements of the personality disorder can be raised and inflamed in the divorce case: intense anger, blaming, targeting, false allegations, parental alienation.

As Bill Eddy (expert and author of Splitting) has described, probably the most prevalent personality disorder in family court is Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) — more commonly seen in women. BPD may be characterized by wide mood swings, intense anger even at benign events, idealization (such as of their spouse — or attorney) followed by devaluation (such as of their spouse — or attorney). Also common is Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) — more often seen in men. There is a great preoccupation with the self to the exclusion of others. This may be the vulnerable type, which can appear similar to BPD, causing distorted perceptions of victimization followed by intense anger (such as in domestic violence or murder, for example the San Diego case of Betty Broderick). Or this can be the invulnerable type, who is detached, believes he is very superior and feels automatically entitled to special treatment.

It is then notable that the study committee on the DSM-5 is considering doing away with the NPD diagnosis, along with four other traditional DSM diagnoses. The committee seems to feel that the new DSM should create a “menu” of traits, and require the clinician to focus on the traits, rather than naming the cluster of traits as a specific diagnosis.

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One of the hallmarks of an impending divorce is a noticeable change in financial status within the family household. Retirement plans get moved to new accounts. Joint checking accounts and credit card accounts begin to show unusual activity, such as unexplained charges or cash withdrawals. Some spouses will defer discussing the desire for a formal divorce until they have, in their mind, secured the family cash and the assets in a hidden account.

Judges will eventually require the return of marital assets to marital accounts, but all of us that work in the court system know that getting these injunction orders takes time and effort. It can be far better to be proactive in protecting marital assets, and securing copies of accounts, once the financial “red flags” of impending divorce start to appear.

I’ve provided a list of 12 items you might gather to ensure that you have most of the critical information in hand before your spouse has a chance to conceal, transfer or sell marital items. These include (but are not limited to) obtaining:

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J_custody.gif I receive calls from parents contemplating divorce in Kane County and DuPage County about joint custody in Illinois. Many good parents tell me that “I just want joint custody,” though many times I feel that people do not understand what joint custody means in Illinois.

In general, Illinois Joint Custody means that the parents agree to make major decisions regarding the child or children together, such decisions as schooling, medical care, and religious practices. In Illinois, the concept of statutory joint custody does not address, at all, the idea that the parents will share the parenting time with the children.

As I have written before, Illinois still has an archaic, and in my view, unfair approach to custody. Unlike other states that have adopted “presumptive shared parenting,” Illinois still requires that the Court determine a “residential parent” and a parent that has “visitation.” Most often, Mom becomes the residential parent, and Dad is relegated to the status of a “visitor” of his own children. Illinois still allows for the stress, financial hardship, and animosity that is engendered by forcing good parents to contest each other for the role of “primary residential parent.”

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I receive calls and email every week from individuals about divorce mediation. These calls remind me that it is important for divorcing parents to understand what mediation is in Illinois, and how mediation fits into the divorce process in Illinois divorce courts. Mediation in Illinois can cover both the financial planning issues in divorce as well as the parenting issues. Illinois mandates that all divorcing parents with a custody dispute mediate these custody issues before they can litigate custody and visitation.

If you are required to mediate, what does mediation entail? Well, much depends on the parties and the mediator that is chosen. Among trained and experienced mediators, we recognize distinct styles of mediation: Facilitative, Evaluative and Transformative. When I am mediating a custody issue, I use a “Facilitative” approach with some elements from the Evaluative and Transformative models.

Facilitative: The mediator is helping the two parties make their decisions based on their individual definitions of fairness. I help the parties find common ground, and propose alternative parenting approaches. I can provide information and guidance but do not give recommendations or opinions. A divorce mediator in this model is helping the parties create a parenting plan that meets legal requirements, as well as that family’s needs.

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There are a number of states that have adopted presumptive joint custody, or in other words, these states presume in a divorce that absent other evidence, the court should find that joint legal and shared physical custody is in the child’s best interest. Illinois is not one of these states, unfortunately. Recently, the Illinois Legislature’s appointed Family Law Committee has been exploring a number of changes to Illinois’ Marriage and Dissolution of Marriage Act. Is presumptive joint physical custody coming to Illinois? Is Illinois emerging from the Dark Ages of custody law? It does not look like it.

The word from colleagues is that the adoption of presumptive joint custody in Illinois is not going to occur. The reasons for this failure are not due to the efforts of many good lawyers to seek progressive changes to Illinois law. There are some lawyers, however, for whom positive change for families and children is not a good thing. Unfortunately, progressive changes do not look like they are on the horizon in Illinois.

I have consistently advocated for joint legal and physical custody. Of course, there are exceptions; for example, I just completed a trial where my client was properly awarded sole legal and primary physical custody. Yet, as a general proposition, good, competent, loving parents, both Mother and Father, should share the parenting of their children after divorce. The psychological studies reveal that presumptive joint custody is in the best interest of the children and the parents.

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I have written previously about joint custody, and what this term means in the context of Illinois custody litigation. If one thing is clear, it is certain that many lawyers, parents, and even some judges do not have a clear view of what Illinois Joint Custody entails.

Put simply, joint custody awards require the parents to make major decisions about the children together. In the event of a dispute, a means for solving the dispute is implemented. And, the joint custody order should call for periodic review, so that as the children age, their needs can be met with flexible mutually agreed changes, such as parenting schedule changes.

One aspect of joint custody that I feel is not often considered is the requirement that joint custody be ordered when a risk of alienation of the non-custodial parent is a risk. Some judges feel, following In re Marriage of Marcello, that they cannot order joint custody if the parents do not get along, and there is a breakdown of communication. What I have observed in many cases is that the primary caregiver parent, who many times may be the temporary custodial parent, simply becomes difficult, argumentative, or at worst, alienating, with the hope that the non-custodial parent is cut out of the decision making for the children.

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I correspond with Dr. Amy Baker on the subject of Parental Alienation, and consider her research and work in this area the most cutting edge available. Dr. Baker is a nationally recognized expert in parent child relationships, especially children of divorce, parental alienation syndrome, and emotional abuse of children.

Dr. Amy J.L. Baker speaks about PAS from Amy Baker on Vimeo.

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The Illinois Domestic Violence Act is an important part of family law. The Act is designed to provide abused family members and their children with an expedited and safe means to obtain necessary legal protection from continued abuse or harassment.

My first work in the law was as a domestic violence prosecutor, and I appreciated how the law strove to provide protection for abused parents and their children, and criminal sanctions for the abusers.

In divorce and custody practice in Illinois, however, I have all too often seen the IDVA misused as a “sword” to undercut another parent in a custody case, rather than as a proper “shield” against abuse. In the space of one week , I helped a deserving parent obtain emergency relief and a change of custody, and thereby protect young children from a chaotic, abusive environment, and then, within about a day’s time, on behalf of my client I successfully blocked an opposing party from litigating an EOP based on false, fabricated claims. Two IDVA cases, with two very different applications.

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If you are a single parent, or a parent involved in a pre-divorce or a divorce process, consider spending some time with www.singlefather.org, the home site for Responsible Single Fathers. I was one of the original directors for this organization, at the invitation of Vince Regan, who created and was the driving force behind, RSF.

Today, David Cisco directs RSF, and the site has a significant amount of information for single and newly divorced Fathers. The site has a forum where single Dads share information and legal topics. Here is a summary of the original mission of RSF:

“The development of Responsible Single Fathers allows fathers the ability seek support from others through one of four message boards at the site. We expect this forum alone will serve thousands of U.S. Fathers as they adjust to living the single life, while still loving, nurturing, and supporting their children.” Regan continued, “Another section of the site allows experienced single fathers to share their tips with others by submitting their own single father articles for publication on the site. The world is full of experts on a number of subjects, but single fathers who have lived through the turmoil of divorce and the resulting conflicts have a wealth of positive information to share with fathers who are just beginning down that same road.”

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