In my divorce and custody practice, there is a focus on custody issues when one of the parents has traits of BPD. Some of these traits are discussed in this video. It is very important that when involved in a custody case with BPD, that the safety of the children is paramount, but that the parents in these cases be viewed with understanding and compassion, as well. Decisions about the custody and visitation of the children must be made through the lens of both the courts and knowledgeable clinicians. If you have questions in this area of divorce and custody, please contact my office for an informed initial consultation.

In recent years, we have seen home values plummet, and home equity values evaporate. People in divorce today speak of their home as the marital "asset," yet in many cases, the marital residence is a significant marital liability that must be managed with some reasonableness and diligence.

Marital residences that are "under water," or in other words, worth less than the debt that is secured by the property, most often need to be with sold or managed through a bank workout process. Some of my clients work with professionals who perform property workouts as the major part f their practice. One aspect of the workout is managing the possibility for a deficiency judgment. A bank may seek to have the amount of the mortgage not covered by a short sale assigned as a liability to the owner; this is called a deficiency judgment. In some cases, the bank may be required to be willing to waive the deficiency judgment, and be required to issue a 1099 to the previous owner for the amount of deficiency after the short sale. It's important for you to know that the lender cannot pursue a deficiency judgment and issue a 1099. They can only do one or the other, not both. If the deficiency is waived as a condition to the short sale, the owners will receive a 1099.

My practice involves all aspects of the difficult and complex divorce. Custody issues often exact an emotional toll on litigants, but with the economic upheaval of recent years, financial issues in divorce also require active and informed management by an experienced divorce lawyer.

If you have questions regarding how your marital estate (liabilities and assets) may be divided or allocated in divorce, please contact my office for an initial consultation.

Much of my work in divorce and custody litigation, along with some research and writing that I have done, has focused on divorce cases with a personality disorder involved. BPD and NPD present in a number of high conflict custody cases, and the tendency of people with BPD and NPD to act out, rage, blame others, and even target their spouse in divorce with false allegations is common.

As Mr. Marshall describes, BPD is treatable, yet very few have the ability or resource to seek treatment, and BP's are notorious for refusing treatment, even while their marriage and family is breaking down.

I congratulate Brandon Marshall for his brave and thoughtful statements today about his condition and hope that his comments educate and inspire others. If you have a family concern where you feel a personality disorder may be involved, or if there is abuse in your home affecting you and your children that is not apparent to the outside world, please contact my office for an immediate initial consultation.

RED FLAG #10: If your spouse is facebooking with his or her high school sweetheart on a daily basis, you may be heading for a divorce.

RED FLAG #9: If you spouse has gained more than 20% of his or her body weight, you may be headed for divorce.

RED FLAG #8: If you spouse is donning sexy new underwear all of a sudden, you may be headed for divorce. I

RED FLAG #7: If your spouse lies around all day and yet house needs cleaning, you may be headed for divorce.

RED FLAG #6: If your spouse is secretive with his or her cell phone, you may be headed for divorce.

RED FLAG #5: If your spouse makes you write down everything you spend money on, you may be headed for divorce.

RED FLAG #4: If your spouse no longer wants to have sex with you, you may be headed for divorce.

RED FLAG #3: If your spouse spends more time on the tennis courts than spending time with you, you may be headed for divorce.

RED FLAG #2: If your spouse cruises singles bars after work, you may be headed for divorce.

RED FLAG #1: If your spouse wants you to swing with your neighbors, you ARE headed for divorce.

Michael Roe's comments: In my 20 plus years of experience in family law, I can say that within every family system, there are unique reasons for the failure of a marriage. Many of my cases involve unique causes, or a multitude of causes that may include psychological issues. It's hard to suggest that there really exists a "Top 10 List." In my work as a divorce and custody lawyer, I really make an effort to understand the unique factors that have created conflict in the marriage, and I take a focused family system approach to the custody issues. In my view, there is no one size fits all solution for a family in divorce. My approach is creative, while at the same time being tenacious and goal oriented for my clients. Whether the breakdown of your marriage was triggered by one of the above 10 reasons, or you have unique issues you'd like to discuss, please go to my Firm's contact page and contact me for an initial consultation.

The Honorable Judge Gomery of Canada once stated, “Hatred is not an emotion that comes naturally to a child. It has to be taught. A parent who would teach a child to hate the other parent represents a grave and persistent danger to the mental and emotional health of that child.”

So, what are possible causes of Parental Alienation?

Intentions differ from one parent to the next, but psychologists have suggested the following as potential motivators:

An alienating parent may have unresolved anger toward the other parent for perceived wrongs during the relationship and may be unable to separate those issues from parenting issues.

An alienating parent may have unresolved issues from their childhood, particularly in how they related to their own parents, which he or she projects onto the other parent (whether or not it's factually accurate).

An alienating parent may have a personality disorder, such as narcissism or a borderline personality, which makes him or her unable to empathize with the child's feelings or see the way their behavior is harming the child. Such personality disorders may also make the alienating parent more likely to be jealous of the other parent's adjustment to the breakup and cause the alienating parent to have extreme rage toward the other parent.

An alienating parent may be so insecure as to his or her own parenting skills that he or she projects those concerns onto the other parent, regardless of reality.

An alienating parent may be so wrapped up in their child's life that he or she has no separate identity and sees the child's relationship with the other parent as a threat.

I have been married for 25 years. My wife had an affair early in our marriage and we worked things out with counseling. Two years ago I caught her having another affair but for family and health reasons I did not divorce her at that time. We put on an act for others, including our two children, so no one knows how bad our marriage is. Now my kids are in college and I want a divorce.

Some of my clients first came to my office for an initial consultation with the damage of an affair at the forefront of their concerns. In some of these cases, the custody of the children is an issue. In other cases, there are no minor children of the marriage, and the concern is property division and spousal support.

In cases where child custody is concerned, a marital affair may or may not factor into the issues concerning the best interests of the children in divorce. It's easy to say that an adult affair shouldn't be a factor in a custody determination, but my view is that sometimes underlying the affair behavior are other behavioral and/or psychological issues. Some people that have affairs in marriage also present with underlying personality disorders; they act out impulsively, recklessly, or have narcissistic features whereby the needs of the children are ignored in favor of selfish pursuits. Where the betraying partner has underlying behavioral or psychological issues, these clinical issues of course need to be evaluated. In some cases, the affair itself has a direct impact on the children, and the party without fault would be the more stable and most fit party to have the custody of the kids.

Some states allow marital affairs to factor into the property division. Illinois is not one of those states. While some clients have a heartfelt need that the judge know that they were betrayed in the marriage, the judges are quick to tell litigants that affairs cannot be a factor that the court can consider in dividing the marital property. If a betraying partner has spent marital money on a paramour, that conduct, however, is dissipation under the IMDMA, and the court will consider the wasting of marital money during an affair and order the marital funds be reimbursed to the offended party.

By Amy J.L. Baker, Ph.D. in Caught Between Parents, Psychology Today

Some children of divorce naturally feel caught between their parents as they adjust to two homes, two sets of rules, possibly two neighborhoods, and two families. But what children really want and need is to stay out of their parents' conflicts and to maintain healthy and strong relationships with both parents (unless, of course, one parent is abusive to the child).

Unfortunately, some parents take advantage of children's difficulty navigating between two families and dealing with the complexity of parental divorce by creating in their children an expectation that they choose sides. These parents employ a range of strategies, known as parental alienation, in order to foster the child's rejection of the other parent.

Parental alienation strategies can take many forms but usually includes badmouthing the other parent, limiting contact between the child and that parent, and interfering with communication between the child and the parent.

Divorcing parents need to become educated about the primary parental alienation strategies so that they can effectively employ responses that challenge the child's tendency to take sides while maintaining the high road as a parent (see Baker & Fine, 2008 for more details).

Parents concerned about parental alienation also need to help their children develop 4 capacities that will help them resist the pressure to choose sides. These are:

Critical Thinking Skills
When children think critically they are aware of their thoughts, where they came from and are able to examine the reality of them and change them accordingly. This skill will help the child question his or her ideas about each parent (i.e., one is all good, one is all bad; one is always right, one is always wrong). If a child is using critical thinking skills it is not likely that he or she can be programmed or brainwashed into rejecting one parent to please the other.

Considering Options
When placed in a pressured situation in which a child feels compelled to do as one parent asks (i.e., not spend time with the other parent, spy on that parent, and so forth), it is important for the child to slow down, not act right away, and consider his or her options. Doing so can prevent the child from automatically doing what the alienating parent is asking.

Listening to One's Heart
When children learn how to be true to themselves and their values it is not likely that they can be manipulated or convinced to do something that goes against their best interest (i.e., cut off one parent to please the other) or something that betrays the other parent. Children need to be encouraged to identify their core values and to be attuned to when they are going against them.

Using Coping Skills and Getting Support
Children sometimes feel that they are the only ones who are dealing with a problem and that no one can understand what they are going through. Encouraging children to talk to other people such as friends, teachers, and other caring adults can help them feel less alone and can help them benefit from the wisdom and kindness of others. Children also have more internal resources (self talk, relaxation strategies) that they can develop and rely on in times of need.

In my divorce and custody practice, there is a time for negotiation, and there is a time for aggressive representation of my client's interests. Aggressive representation, however, does not suggest inflammatory or reckless litigation. In my 25 years of litigation experience, as a prosecutor and trial lawyer, the most successful approach to litigation is aggressive, focused civility. Lawyers that treat their clients with respect and care, who treat opposing lawyers with a measure of civility, and who show respect for the Court, get the best results.

Why, as a trial lawyer, act with civility? It saves you, the client, time and money, lowers the stress of the case, and gets the best results. If you hire an angry, reckless, "bulldog" lawyer for your case, you'll spend more, have more anguish and stress, and your results will likely be far lower. Judges typically don't respect the generalist "bulldog" lawyers.

So, what are the ABA's recommendations for civility in divorce practice?:

1. Treat the the client with respect.

2. Try to keep the client on an even emotional keel and
avoid characterizing the actions of the other party,
opposing lawyers, and judicial officials in emotional
terms.

3. Be aware of counseling resources and be prepared
to refer the client to counseling where appropriate.

4. Where a client has an exaggerated or unrealistic
view of his or her options in any given situation,
explain matters as carefully as possible in order to
assist the client to realistically assess the situation.

5. Respond promptly to client requests for advice or
information.

6. Consider the availability and appropriateness of
forms of alternate dispute resolution.

7. Where a client wishes to pursue a claim or motion for
purely hostile or vindictive purposes, explain to the
client the reasons why the client should not do so.

8. Do not assist a client in pursuing a claim for primary
custody or visitation where the purpose of the claim
is to obtain bargaining leverage in order to achieve a
purely economic objective.

9. Avoid any communication to client about the judge,
the other lawyer, or the other party that will contribute
to disrespect for the legal process.

10. Encourage clients to comply with all court orders.

Says the ABA: "These Standards address the responsibility of the family
lawyer to be civil to clients, opposing counsel, and the
Court. Civility is an important obligation of a lawyer."

I receive calls frequently from parents who have either fled the state of Illinois to avoid domestic violence and a bad marriage, or from parents left behind in Illinois once a divorce commences and the opposing spouse wishes to leave Illinois and run "home" with the children to his or her family out of state.

Illinois law disfavors parents leaving the state and taking the children with them. Illinois has long had a tradition of requiring Illinois parents in divorce to stay in Illinois and raise the children here with both parents. Our removal statute creates factors that determine whether a party may lawfully "remove" the child or children from Illinois to reside permanantly in another state.

The UCCJEA as part of Illinois created a powerful tool to help the states determine whether Illinois or another state should decide an interstate custody dispute. What has been interesting to me in my custody practice has been the observation that even though the UCCJEA in incorporated into most states' law, few lawyers and a minority number of judges seem to understand how the UCCJEA works and how it is intended to guide interstate custody decisions.

THe UCCJEA is a powerful tool in an Illinois lawyer's arsenal. If your spouse has fled the state with your children, or if you have left the state lawfully to avoid domestic violence, please contact my office for a thourough consultation on interstate custody and the UCCJEA.

Michael Roe's comments immediately below:

Nancy, a very interestin­g and legally sound article. Illinois has been a part of a trend toward requiring judges to do all that they can to terminate the connection­s with former spouses, once they are divorced. However, as there is also an expressed trend toward joint and shared parenting and permanent maintenanc­e (also known as alimony), in reality, the cord does not get completely severed in divorce. In Illinois, divorced parties of long term marriages are bound to each other through their duty to co-parent and through years of maintenanc­e and support payments.

Having said the above, your excellent article highlights and important aspect and boundary issue. Divorce is also an emotional and psychologi­cal transition­. Individual­s that maintain codependen­t ties, or, as you note in your example, maintain a sexual relationsh­ip even while "moving on" with others, cultivate a very unhealthy post decree environmen­t. Couples that use their children as a platform for retributio­n in the years after divorce also contribute to the unhealthy developmen­t of their children.

So, as states like Illinois trend toward keeping certain attachment­s between the parties in place, your article does a very good job of offering the idea that the severing of the connection must start as an emotional and psychologi­cal one. Your recomendat­ion for counseling and therapy is very appropriat­e.

“Hi Mr. Roe,

Thank you for the nice things you wrote. One of the biggest challenges in writing to a large audience is hoping people are able to open their minds to the message being conveyed. Sometimes people have hurt and pain (past &/or present) that alters their perspectiv­e which causes them to react negatively to what they read. I'm sure you encounter this with the population you write for in your blog. If you have any suggestion­s on how to lessen a reader's reactivity about divorce issues, I'd love to know.

Take care,

Nancy Fagan, The Divorce Reporter
www.TheDiv­­­­orceHel­p­C­l­inic­.c­om”

My job as a divorce and custody attorney is to help my clients navigate the divorce process as successfully as possible. Divorce is a difficult process, but it should not be a "war." Wars, as we all know, end with casualties on both sides, cost a lot of money, and leave wounds that do not heal.

What basic advice can I give to help divorcing parties manage the stresses of divorce?

1. Understand that your life is changing, not ending. 99.9 percent of divorcing parents are adapting to life after divorce within a year of the divorce.
2. Keep your attorney informed of job changes, tax problems, relocations, and unplanned new events, such as a girlfriend or boyfriend.
3. Provide the financial documents and responses to discovery as promptly as you can. Upon hiring the firm, please start to gather tax return copies for recent years and complete the "Comprehensive Financial Statement." If a guardian ad litem or custody evaluator is appointed to your custody case, be sure to contact the GAL or evaluator as soon as possible.
4. Never involve the minor children in the details of the divorce, and don't send information or support payments to your spouse through the children.
5. Keep an electronic or paper file copy of the pleadings and correspondence sent to you by the firm.
6. Obey all court orders, even if you don't feel the order is fair. If the Judge orders you to maintain health insurance for your spouse during the divorce, keep them on your plan until the judge allows you to take them off the plan, usually post-judgment. If the judge sets a parenting schedule, don't change or interfere with parenting times without the consent of the other parent.
7. Obey court orders for this reason, too: In Illinois, if a party fails to obey a court order, and the judge finds that the failure was done without "cause or justification," the judge will order the disobeying spouse to pay the other party's attorney's fees for enforcing the order. Don't willfully skip a $200 support payment, only to incur $2000.00 in attorney's fees.
7. Join a divorce support group or find an individual therapist if the stress of the divorce or the stress of life changes becomes overwhelming.
8. Don't act out in front of the judge while in court. If you don't like a judge's ruling, wait until you're in the hallway outside the presence of the court to vent. Judges have good memories, and will remember people who act out in displeasure at their rulings. In divorce, there is give and take. Judges make rulings based on the law, and the courts make an effort to be fair under the law. Not every ruling will go your way; this is the nature of divorce litigation.
9. Instead of using the process to get revenge on your spouse, use the process the find resolution where possible. Don't be the divorcing couple that fights over every piece of dishware or tool in the toolbox. If you want to fight over the Ikea lamp, concede the Ikea lamp to your spouse, and take the $250 you would spend on lawyer's fees for an hour, and go to Ikea and buy yourself a new lamp...and a chair.
10. Even if you've had a difficult day at court, go home and breathe deeply, and remember the good that you have in your life. If you have children, treasure them. If you have only yourself, treasure yourself...life will get better after divorce.

There are four general arguments against shared parenting that are typically advanced.

(1) Custody should go to the historic "primary caretaker," which most typically has been the mother.

(2) Children need a "stable environment" and therefore should not spend equalized time with both parents.

3) Children should not be exposed to post-divorce parental conflict; and

(4) Shared parenting is unworkable because it is not practicable if the parents do not reside in the same community;

All the evidence indicates that these arguments fail for not adequately considering the importance of both parents in a child's life. A major study by Dr. Robert Bauserman published in 2002 in the Journal of Family Psychology examined all existing studies regarding joint custody from 1982 to the date of the study, encompassing 2,660 children. He concluded "Children in joint custody arrangements had less behavioral and emotional problems, had higher self-esteem, better family relations and school performance than children in sole custody arrangements. In fact, all these children were as well adjusted as intact family children on the same measure, said Dr. Bauserman, "probably because joint custody provides the child with an opportunity to have ongoing contact with both parents."

Joint custody and shared parenting do not necessarily mean 50/50 division of time with the children. In some cases, a 50/50 allocation is not workable, nor does it serve the interest of the children. However, giving one parent an almost exclusive parenting role with the children while relegating the non-residential parent to the role of "visitor" is wrong, and more importantly, it is unhealthy for the developmental lives of the child or children.

The current studies bear out that shared parenting serves the interests of both good parents and the developmental lives of the children. This is but one reason why this Firm fights for the rights of parents to have the strongest and most actively participatory role in the post-divorce lives of their children as possible.

Facebook has also begun to have some interesting interplay with divorce and custody litigation. See this recent story about how a Facebook account was used by divorcing parties in a high conflict divorce case: http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/the-hot-button/the-most-bizarre-use-of-facebook-in-a-divorce-case-ever/article2054594/

I observed only last week a hearing in one of our Illinois courts that involved an interesting (and probably not uncommon) use of Facebook. The Wife was on the witness stand testifying to her relationship, or lack thereof, with a gentleman whom the Husband claims is a paramour that has had contact with their couple's minor child. Wife denied any real relationship, and denied that the alleged paramour had ever been in their home.

Following the Wife's lengthy and detailed denial of the relationship, Husband's attorney produced a series of Facebook screenshots that Wife has posted on her account, her sitting with the paramour on the sofa in the couple's living room. The demeanor of the two suggested more than a casual acquaintance.

Facebook, in the end, proved the spoiler for the Wife's case. While the judge did not decide custody issues based on the Facebook information, the judge did find that the Wife had testified falsely under oath, and barred her from further contact with the paramour while she was with the minor child.

Social media have proven to be a huge benefit to teenagers and adults alike, allowing for connectivity and interaction between friends and distant relatives. In the context of divorce, however, all divorcing parents should be mindful that these days, with electronic discovery being a simple means toward illuminating potentially negative facts of a case, that Facebook "friends" may turn out to be evidentiary enemies.

If you're going through a divorce, be mindful that whatever you post on Facebook or Twitter may be printed and admitted as evidence into your divorce case.

Why a father has more than rights; he has responsibility

By Michele Weldon

As it is for many fatherless families across the globe, this Sunday is a reminder that fatherhood should be more than a biological feat; it is a primal moral responsibility and one that many men regrettably fail to fulfill. http://www.littleurl.net/7f5335

I empathize with Prof. Weldon, and appreciate that she recognizes the thousands of fathers who love, mentor and raise their children well. I also can suggest that for many fathers, Father's Day is a difficult day, especially if Dad is a noncustodial Dad who sees his children far less often than he wishes.

A big part of my practice is representing parents in complex divorce and custody cases. I enjoy representing fathers who seek to have either the residential custody of their children, or who seek a full and shared parenting agreement.

While there are fathers who do not maintain their connection and investment in their children's lives, as Prof. Weldon discusses, there are many fathers who wish for, and fight for, more time with their children, and fight to have an equal and active parenting role in the post-divorce lives of their children.

It is these fathers that desire to have the fullest involvement possible in the lives of their children that I celebrate, and I am proud to represent any parent in a difficult divorce case that truly has the best interests of their children in mind, and wishes the fullest and most devoted parenting role possible.

To these Dads that put their hearts and souls into their parenting, we celebrate you, this Father's Day.