Divorce mediation is a process in which a neutral third person, called a mediator, sits down for a series of meetings with a divorcing couple to help them reach an agreement about things like property, custody, and support. Most couples arrive at agreements they can live with—which means they don’t have to fight it out in court. Mediation offers many advantages over court battles.

Unless you’re one of those fortunate few divorcing people who can negotiate directly with your spouse with a minimum of acrimony to come to an agreement about dividing property and parenting your children, divorce mediation may be a great option for you.

Generally, mediation is voluntary, although Illinois courts will require you to go to mediation if you can’t agree about child custody. You can go to mediation at any point in your divorce, even if you’ve already hired lawyers. Divorce mediation has an extremely high success rate—the vast majority of cases that go to mediation get settled there.

To find out more about mediation and how to get through a divorce amicably, try reading Divorce Without Court: A Guide to Mediation & Collaborative Divorce, by Attorney-Mediator Katherine E. Stoner (Nolo).

Oh thank you Michael. Yes, I would be happy for you to post it. Im trying to make a diffrence for hurting parents as well as the hurting children. It is my hearts desire to help in the fight against PAS. It effects the children way into adult hood. Im hoping with my story more kids will come forward and share their story as well. If there is anything I can do for you or your parents please let me know. Sometimes hearing or talking is more uplifting than reading it. Im always here.

Thank you for all your hard work and supporting a cause that is dear to my heart. Keep up the life changing work and you have all my support
Chrissy

My name is Chrissy. Im the founder of ~Survivors not
Victims~. I have many chapters to my book of life as you can see on my website.
But this chapter is on PAS and how it effected me.

When I was 3 my mom meet the man we thought would fullfill our dreams
of being a husband and father. This was shatterd shortly after the
courting was over. My mother and I where very much abusied by this man. I
was always without my mom knowing made known by him that I was not his
child. I always wanted his love and approval I hungered after it but
nothing I did was right for him. When he yelled at me pure fear would enter
my mind would I get hit this time and never ever was I allowed to look
him in the eye during these periods. Iwould get flush my ankles would
itch the butterfies in my stomach would be overwelming. I tell you
these things to help you to understand the power someone can have over your
mind even after all this.They eventally had my 2 wonderful brothers.

I would watch this strong man fall to the ground in tears so I could
hold him to tell him everything would be ok. I started getting angry with
my mom. Little by little I heard when I was little my mom was a
prositute, she cheated on him, she left all of us, if she gets you I ll never
see you again. Ill kill myself was his all time favorite. I could go
on and on about all the things I heard about my mom. I all of a sudden
started to feel loved. I was the daughter he needed me to be. I was the
new caretaker in the family. He needed me. I started to hate my mother.
I never noticed I was being BRAINWASHED. Why is she hurting daddy?
where my thoughts. I was lost, confused, torn. I felt wanted and unwanted
all the same time. I was becoming his therapist being told things a
daughter should’nt probably hear. My mind was racing with thoughts. Keep
in mind I was old enough to remember all the things that happened
before the split. Even with all this memory I choose him. He would set me
up to get info on my mom when we visted her steal notes listen to phone
conversations anything that he could get on her. Even when he said they
should talk she would come over and he would without her knowledge
tape the coversations. This situation was not normal. He wasnt normal. But
I saw it all and still I choose him. The game parents play with the
what did mom/dad say about me is emotinally crippling to a child. we feel
torn in your web of manipulation. Stop!! As a parent its your job to
care for us. We trust you because you are the parent. Its a PRIVLAGE. I
got to a point that I felt like I was going crazy but I hated my mom
his plan was working and in full force. We where emotinally kidnapped
from her. Thats what PAS is. The only way for me to describe it is we are
pieces on a chess board the parent keeps moving us pawns but we will
never hear the words “checkmate” because we dont know we are playing
this game. He is mad that my mom wasnt coming back so we where the
revenge. Most parents love their children so whats the perfect punishment
for this us the children to be with held. Espically when they made the
mistakes in the marriage to begin with.

I became one with his mind, his emotions until I finally thought what
he thought. I felt what he felt I hated like he hated. I think this is
confusing to other parent but we are now robots there is so much
involved with this. Its a skill I tell ya. I eventually all of a sudden was
getting material things that I never got before I was allowed to go
places and do things I was never allowed to do before. This is all part of
the plot. To a child getting all these things is great. But it serves a
couple of purposes 1. I can do these things
that the other parent cant. 2. Your mom always didnt want you to have
it
3. To keep you off track of whats going. This does happen dont be
fooled more often than you think. I fell into this. It all part of mind
control.

This is ultimate betrayal to the child and we are so warped in the mind
we dont know it. It carries into adult hood it lingers like a dark
cloud. It crushes the internal spirit of childhood with hate and enraged
anger toward the victim parent. Its a punishment we dont deserve but we
live. He made me believe he was the victim. He was wounded. Its all
about him. he transformed my life there is much more to this story. As
anadult I carry this weight. I eventually was thrown to the curb by him
when I guess I was no longer needed. But for many years until recently
his words come to mind and I think was he right knowing full well that my
mother is none of the beastly things he had me believe. I became an
angry person with walls so built up around id never let anyone in. I
would not be vulnerable to be hurt. My moms and I relationship has been
rocky and has needed alot of work but now shes my best friend, supporter,
hero, and most important loving mother. I carried a burden of a broken
marriage of hatred to another person it has formed me to be who Iam
today finally letting go some of the pieces trying to fiqure out who i am
without hurt.
If you are able to make contact with your child take it slow dont rush
even when your heart says now. They have walls they where trained that
way. They have anger they where trained that way. they where in hatred
boot camp for many years. If you push to hard they will get defensive
and you’ll start from scratch if ever. They as much as they say NO
they want you they want to know they are loved it sounds sick but its in
there somewhere. but DONT PUSH. They are controled by a force thats
webbed around them they just dont know it. They are hurt crushed lost and
tramatised. They might say awful things to you I did to my mom. Things
that will break your heart and they know it will buts the anger the
brainwashing the robot inside of them. I asked myself even when my
relationship seemed good was he right. The mental thoughts are scars but scars
heal. It takes time. There is hope it might takes days months even
years but what comes around goes around. I have loosened my grip on the
hold this man has on my life. At times I still feel abused by him
espically since I dont have my brothes. I love my mother and Im grateful to
have the relationship I have with her. She has a heart of gold and never
desirved any of this all she did was say enough and for this shes payed
the highest cost. The thing she cherishes the most was taken from her
motherhood. My brothers are still locked into this betrayal i havent
seen them in 17 years. I miss them and love them. My mother has not seem
them either. I once was the alienator now Im the alienatee. It hurts. I
did nothing wrong neither did my mother.. Its also not your childs
fault they are the true victims of all of this. Please pray that my
brothers will find their way home to the place where they are missed and
loved…..

Remember PAS is child abuse. You have read just a glimpse of my heart
if you have any ?s let me know. This includes parents that want to know
about a child point of you. A person that has been the victim achild or
adult that needs to talk your not alone I feel your pain. Everyone. If
you are reading this and you are the person causing PAS to a family
please read and reread its never to late to turn things around because
later you might be the one standing alone. Its hurting the kids more than
the victim parent.

Mediation and collaborative practice are two very different practices, but they both have at heart the same sensibility: resolving difficult family disputes in a lower conflict manner. The Oklahoma Family Law Blog highlighted these practices in a recent post, on which I have summarized and commented further:

In mediation, there is one 'neutral' who helps the disputing parties try to settle their case. The mediator cannot give either party legal advice, and cannot help either side advocate its position. If one side or the other becomes unreasonable or stubborn, or lacks negotiating skill, or is emotionally distraught, the mediation can become unbalanced. A well trained mediator can try to help bring the parties back to the center, and facilitate resolution of disputes that the parties view as unresolvable. However, some mediations end without a resolution, and the parties return to court with no perceived options left but litigation.

Collaborative Law was designed to deal more effectively with all these problems of unresolvable impasse, while maintaining the same absolute commitment to settlement as the sole agenda. Each side has quality legal advice and advocacy built in at all times during the process. Even if one side or the other lacks negotiating skill or financial understanding, or is emotionally upset or angry, the playing field is leveled by the presence of the skilled advocates. It is the job of the lawyers to work with their own clients if the clients are being unreasonable, to make sure that the process stays positive and productive.

Collaborative and Cooperative Divorce practice are really processes, in which the parties and the attorneys are fully and mutually engaged, together. There is guidance, advocacy, and negotiation, all in a respectful and non-litigious environment. Is this a better path? Absolutely, for many individuals seeking a lower conflict, lower cost divorce.

Divorce can be an isolating. Divorce is change. Divorce is transition. Divorce can be anxiety-producing, even frightening. My office neighbor, Rhonda Kelloway, LCSW, speaks of the role of a therapist as a "professional, caring companion through this difficult stage in your life journey." Rhonda speaks of goal setting and charting a course to help her clients reach the goals that they desire for themselves for the future. "My goal," Rhonda says, "is to help you get back to your best life as quickly as possible." I like this approach, and have always felt that my clients in the difficult transition of divorce have benefited from counseling.

Rhonda Kelloway can be reached at 630-569-0822.

There are strategies to combat PAS in custody cases. The article below discusses PAS in some detail.

"Welcome to the Swamp." by Amy Johnson Conner

That's what a judge once told a client of a divorce attorney when accusations of parental alienation were leveled against the client in a custody hearing.

Parental alienation syndrome - a controversial diagnosis to describe a child who compulsively denigrates one parent in response to consistent brainwashing by the other parent - has become a not-uncommon theme in custody cases.

According to Richard Gardner, the psychologist who is considered the father of the syndrome, it typically manifests itself as a campaign of denigration by one parent against the other, which is accompanied by weak, frivolous and absurd rationalizations for the deprecation. As a result of this steady campaign of insult, the child reflexively supports the alienating parent and experiences no guilt over their own cruelty towards the targeted parent.

But the mental health profession is far from agreement about the existence of the syndrome. Noting the lack of supporting data, the American Psychological Association has "no official position on the purported syndrome," according to a statement in its website.

The legal community is divided as well.

Like it or not, parental alienation has become a common weapon in courts across the country. Even in jurisdictions that don't recognize it as a diagnosable syndrome in children, lawyers can still argue straight parental alienation - that one parent's attempts to turn the child against the other parent indicates that the first parent is not fit to have custody.

Sometimes the behavior that prompts charges of parental alienation is subtle - frequent disparaging remarks within earshot of the child or setting up appointments and activities for the child during times when the other parent is scheduled to have visitation. Other times it is openly aggressive, such as unfounded accusations of child abuse or neglect.

In some cases, a parent is deluded enough to believe their unfounded accusations - and other times when the accusations are true - so sorting out what is real and what is not can be a tall order for the courts.

"I can't tell you if the syndrome exists psychologically, but I can say it's very troubling and one of the hardest things for a judge to figure out if it's really happening," said Pradell.

It's also possible for the child to be alienated from one parent without any campaign of denigration by the other.

"Just for the sake of illustration, a 13-year-old girl finds out before Mom that Dad is cheating on Mom. That 13-year-old girl may become alienated from Dad, not because of Mom, but the alienation is there," said Patrick O'Reilly of Buffalo, head of the Family Law Section of the New York Bar Association.

As the Anchorage judge said: "Welcome to the swamp."

Making it stick

Although parental alienation has become a common weapon in custody cases around the country, proving it can be a tall order.

"It's like everything else in a custody case - it all comes down to what you can prove at trial. A lot of bad things happen, but they're very difficult to prove," said Ben Stevens of Stevens MacPhail in Spartanburg, S.C.

The best place to begin is with witnesses - anyone who was present when one of the alienating interactions occurred. In some states, clients can record telephone calls or other conversations to create audio evidence.

O'Reilly suggested that lawyers encourage their clients to communicate via e-mail and voice mail to create a tangible record. This will be far more effective in court than the typical he-said/she-said battles that dominate most custody battles.

But the heart of any parental alienation case is the expert testimony, according to Stevens.

"Take the child to a mental health professional and let him do testing," he suggested. "Then you've got an expert witness to come and say, 'In my expert opinion, this is what's going on.'"

It many cases the judge will require a court-appointed psychologist to work with both parents and the children in order to obtain a non-partisan expert opinion. In a similar vein, lawyers may want to ask the court to appoint a guardian ad litem who will advocate on behalf of the child to determine whether parental alienation has occurred.

In the end, though, lawyers should be prepared for a tough battle.

"It's very hard to prove, because if you have the client from whom the children are estranged, you don't have a child willing to cooperate with the process, and that's where most of the proof would be," O'Reilly said.

Defending against a charge

These same strategies, and a few others, are useful if unfounded allegations of alienation are leveled against your client.

"Obviously they have the burden to prove the client's doing something," said O'Reilly. "It's not, 'The child doesn't talk to me, res ipsa it's your fault.' You have a little bit of advantage."

First, make sure your client always takes the high road. Although the natural instinct of clients is to become indignant and defend themselves vehemently, protesting too loudly could undermine their credibility in the eyes of the court, said Gallagher.

Instead, develop an action plan for how your client can build a stronger relationship with the children. Change any behavior that is suspect. Have clients tell the judge that while they don't feel there is evidence to support the allegation, they are seeking the help of a professional as a precaution, and are prepared to change any behavior that is deemed inappropriate.

"Who is not confident in a parent who is going to do and say that?" Gallagher asked.

But just as in the case of the accuser, the most powerful weapon for a client who is accused of alienation is the psychological expert.

"A good forensic expert has credibility because that person doesn't represent your guy and doesn't represent the other party - he's appointed by the court," said Tom Carnes of Carnes Ely in Houston.

Third-party witnesses can also be a powerful weapon in court.

"Try to line up witnesses that would have had the opportunity to see [the parent] interact with the child. Teachers, scout leaders, dance teachers, karate teachers - people who see them during times when parents let their guard down and can say, 'I've never seen Dad say anything bad about Mom or Mom say anything bad about Dad,'" Stevens suggested.

Finally, Carnes suggests that lawyers request more visits between the targeted parent and child in an effort to strengthen the relationship between them.

Of course, the best defense against an alienation charge is to make sure it's never made in the first place. Advise your client not to get in the middle of disputes between the child and the other parent, O'Reilly advised. If a child refuses to go with the non-custodial parent, the custodial parent should insist. He or she should tell the child that the judge has required the visit.

"I encourage my clients to act reasonably, assume anything they do or say could be shown to the judge - or better yet, that the judge is standing there watching," said Stevens. "I don't know if that's great advice or I've just had good clients, but I haven't had many alienation claims alleged against my clients."

From: Lawyers Weekly Inc

Many couples scrambling to obtain a divorce settlement wish to keep the house at any cost. However, keeping the four bedroom marital home may be a financial undertaking that neithe rparty can absorb in the post-divorce environment. Maintenance and child support to the recipient parent can help fund the mortgage and taxes, but some parties find that the burdens of keeping the marital home post-divorce outweigh the benefits, especially in this current home market/mortgage environment.

2. Failing to make a clean financial break.

Clean separation of assets and debts is another difficult task, but one that Howard Dvorkin, the founder of Consolidated Credit Counseling Services says is absolutely necessary, or the consequences can be devastating. Although the task may seem insurmountable, “the alternative is much worse,” says Dvorkin. “Having a spouse drive up your debt when you’re not married anymore” can seriously affect one’s credit score.

3. Counting on your ex to honor financial commitments.

Depending on your former spouse to comply with financial arrangements is also a huge mistake, according to this article. Although both parties in a divorce are beholden to a court-ordered divorce agreement, creditors are not bound by the terms of the divorce judgment. If your ex fails to pay on debts or loans, you may be hurt when applying for future financing.

4. Forgetting to change your will and beneficiary forms.

Wills and trusts can also be seriously impacted by divorce proceedings. Parties in divorce should separately seek counsel for the redrafting and execution of new estate plans, reflecting the wishes of the maker of the will and/or trust prior to the time of the divorce.

5. Overlooking taxes.

Finally, never forget which amount of money in your divorce settlement is maintenance, and which amount is child support. While child support payments are not taxable to the recipient, maintenance payments are.

Source: "Breaking Up Is Hard To Do Financially" by Kathy Chu, published in USA Today. Thanks to South Carolina Law Blog for the highlighting of this article.

The law presently favors the "superior rights" of a natural parent over the rights of grandparents. This seems to to be the law in most states, since the US Supreme Court decided a case concerning the constitutional rights of parents to make decisions about their children, to the exclusion of the rest of the family. There are exceptions to this general rule, but the exceptions are narrowly drawn.

There is a 2007 version of the Grandparent Visitation Act:

1. the preference of the child, if the child is old enough to state a preference;
2. the mental and physical health of the child;
3. the mental and physical health of the person seeking visitation;
4. the length and quality of the relationship between the child and the person seeking visitation;
5. the good faith of the parent and/or the party seeking visitation;
6. the quantity of visitation requested and the potential adverse impact on the family;
7. whether the child resided with the petitioner for at least six consecutive months;
8. whether the petitioner had frequent visitation with the child for at least 12 months;
9. any other factor that establishes that the loss of the relationship between the petitioner and the child is likely to harm the child's mental, physical, or emotional health.

A Grandparent must show at the time of filing the petition that there has been an "unreasonable denial of visitation" by the custodial parent.

Lower Cost
The collaborative process is generally less costly and time-consuming than litigation.

Client Involvement
The client is a vital part of the settlement team and have a greater sense of involvement in the decision making which affects their lives.

Supportive Approach
Each client is supported by their lawyer and coach in a manner that still allows the attorneys to work collaboratively with one another in resolving issues.

Less Stress
The process is much less fear and anxiety producing than utilizing Court proceedings or the threat of such proceedings. Everyone can focus on settlement without the imminent threat of 'going to Court'.

Win-Win Climate
The Collaborative process creates a positive climate that produces a more satisfactory outcome for both parties. The possibility actually exists for participants to create a climate that facilitates 'win-win' settlements.

Speed
The speed of the collaborative process is governed by the parties rather than court calendars.

Creativity
The collaborative process encourages creative solutions in resolving issues.

Clients in Charge
The non-adversarial nature of the collaborative process shifts decision making into the hands of the clients where it belongs, rather than into the hands of a third party (the court).

SOURCE: Collaborative Law Institute of Georgia

The authors below describe PA in terms of an alienating mother, though I have had cases involving an alienating father, as well. Co-morbid with the PAS has been the possibility of an Axis 2 Personality Disorder, and these disorders present in both men and women. I have written in the field of Axis Two disorders and issues concerning PAS. My friend Bill Eddy's book, Splitting, is the best resource that I know of for divorcing parents dealing with PAS.

The information below came from an article describing Dr. Gardner's observations about PAS in divorce cases. Are you a nonresidential parent experiencing PA? Help is available.

"A common maneuver is to require the visiting father to park his car in front of the house and blow the horn when he arrives. He is not permitted to come to the doorstep, let alone, ring the bell. Although not stated, the implication here is that this very act might somehow contaminate the whole household (Gardner, 1987, p.86)."

The answering machine is commonly used to screen calls, and the father's messages may be lost or erased. Father is clearly on the unacceptable list of callers. Rigid adherence to a visitation schedule and threats of calling the police are also seen by Gardner as forms of programming and manipulation. "Visitation obstructionism is a very powerful vengeance maneuver...[as is] ...withholding the children (Gardner, 1987, p.93.)."

Gardner goes on to note how the mother will imply that father is ill-equipped to care for the child by preventing him access to the child when minor illness is present in the child. Sarcasm, criticism, and efforts to align with the children against the father are also noted.

Credit: Parental Alienation And Enmeshment Issues
In Child Custody Cases

by Daniel J. Rybicki, Psy.D., DAPBS

For divorcing couples, one way to achieve a divorce without the acrimony, the time, and the cost is the collaborative divorce. The Law Offices of Michael F. Roe practices and recommends collaborative divorce. What is collaborative divorce?

Each party is represented by a specially trained collaborative lawyer.

These two collaborative lawyers are bound by the same professional ethical mandates that all lawyers must honor.

The lawyers are retained pursuant to a “limited purpose retention.” The sole purpose for which the lawyers are hired is to help their clients reach a reasonable, acceptable settlement of all issues, without litigating or threatening to litigate.

The clients retain their right to terminate the collaborative divorce process and to take their issues to court, but the collaborative lawyers and other collaborative professionals cannot go with them.

Information is shared fully and freely, on request. Hence, suspicion and paranoia drop dramatically from what is normally experienced in litigation.

All negotiations take place directly, face to face, in “fourway” settlement meetings. The lawyers do not bargain as agents in the absence of their clients. Interest-based negotiations are the preferred mode, not positional bargaining.

In addition to a collaborative lawyer, each party is encouraged to have a divorce coach to help the party constructively articulate emotions and key issues.

Instead of being kept in the dark and out of the loop, the clients’ children have a voice as well. When couples choose a fully-staffed interdisciplinary collaborative divorce team, a neutral child development specialist is included. This professional listens to the children’s chief concerns and helps the family to address them in a separate meeting with the coaches.

Finally, a neutral financial consultant helps parties and lawyers gather the financial data, analyzes the family resources, and helps the couple to understand the size of the pie, offering creative solutions for consideration that can be far beyond a court’s power to order.Plus there are no hidden finances or surprises and as a result many couples under stand their money situation better than before. Instead of playing the litigation game of “hide the ball,” this consultant ensures that all financial questions are answered and all necessary information is brought to the table so that sound solutions can be devised. With the financial consultant’s help, many couples do not just reach divorce agreements—they also understand their money situation far better than ever before.

These professional helpers all work together to help a couple focus not just on reaching a “quick fix” settlement agreement, but on laying a foundation for optimum communications and problem solving during the period of rapid changes a couple can expect after the legal divorce judgment has been entered. They remain available as needed to help couples adjust their parenting plans in light of actual experience during the months and even years following entry of judgment.

Text above credit from an article by Pauline Tesler

Divorce and post-divorce can be a period of transition, awakening, and new discovery. No one needs to suffer during the holidays, and the holidays can be a chance to rekindle old traditions, set new traditions, or develop some creative ideas for the parenting time during the holidays. In other words, if your family of origin would go snowmobiling, for example, on Christmas Day, why not rekindle this way to spend Christmas Day? Celebrate, and don't suffer! The kids will embrace this new holiday horizon.

2) Shop for small gifts with the children, and remember some relatives of yours that may have been forgotton in previous years. Use the time to let the kids connect again with your family, and be mindful of the connection they have with your former spouse's family.

3) If money is an issue at the Holidays (and with child support payments, rent/mortgage, gas bills...when is it not?) talk to your child(ren) about the true meaning of the holidays, and reflect with them about how fortunate all of you are to be together, to be loved, and appreciated. Small gifts can bring large smiles.

4) Don't let the holiday crowds get your down. Avoid the parking hassles, the shoulder to shoulder megamall shopping...kids don't need the stress, and neither do you. Again, seek out venues that are peaceful (such as downtown Geneva), and establish a new tradition of mindful, peaceful shopping at the Holidays.

5) Spend part of a day buying a tree for your new home or apartment, and decorate the tree together. Buy a few small ornaments with your kids that go on the tree.

Yes, divorce is the end of a marriage, but it really is the beginning of a new family system. Start the new family system out with some new, creative, and inexpensive traditions. The kids will enjoy the time, and the Holidays will become a time of year not to fear, but to celebrate.